Real Life

Can’t sleep….I know why

Constantly judged

Life has so many ups and downs. It has its moments of happiness, joy, laughter and love. It also comes with pain, anger, frustration, and fear. Basically life is a coin toss.

I struggled to get any sleep last night even after working a hard day at my part time job. I think it’s because my own family is constantly reminding me of who I was, how I handle things, and don’t understand that I’m a survivor. I will play life’s games to keep me around. I’m not trying to take over, take control, but I will keep my eyes open and offer suggestions when I need to.

My small little unit of family is going through some things that I never expected to go through. It’s brought me to my knees to pray for things to change, to get better, and to heal. Will it happen over night? No, even I know better than that. I’m not stupid. Yet people think I am because I’ve not lived a life like theirs.

I’m a take charge kind of person. It’s my nature, it’s how I know things will get done and get done in that moment, and be done right. However I can also recognize that depending on the situation I can take a step back and be a supportive person and there in the background to observe and to voice my opinion when asked. Yet people, my own extended family doesn’t know that about me. They make sure to put my take charge personality trait as a continuous negative thing about me. It’s a bad fault of mine. To them it leaves no room for knowing my place and that I am going to make decisions that are bad for everyone or hurt everyone involved.

It’s things like this that reminds me that involving people is a bad idea. My take charge personality isn’t a bad thing, right? It isn’t something to punish someone with, like beating them emotionally and mentally down until they shut down. I use my take charge personality when it’s warranted, not all the time. Unfortunately, people don’t see that, that is why I am wanting someone who can be man enough to understand that this part of who I am isn’t a bad thing, but a good thing.

I am not sure what I am going to do anymore. People have beaten me up mentally and emotionally over my take charge personality that I am so burnt out of the fight. They’ve literally beaten me down for being me. They will never accept that I know my place in my family and I know what my responsibilities are and how to make sure they are followed.

I guess keeping to myself as I’ve been trying to do is a path that I need to maintain. No one, not even my own family will ever accept this because to them it’s dangerous and causes problems for many people when in reality my can do, must do trait isn’t even about them or their lives.

There is only so much abuse one can take.