Found a new therapist. Met with her last night and we talked for an hour and a half. It was wonderful because she didn’t fall asleep, but I can tell she struggles with hearing. It’s okay, she kept up with me.
We talked about my family and how beyond dysfunctional they are and the pain they caused for giving me this fear of being happy for myself when I should be happy. To know that I have accomplished so much that I deserve the good things happening and all the major improvements. It’s just never enough. It’s always negative about everything, and it’s never good enough for them.
She told me why I hang onto my special friend. His friendship brings me a sense of positivity and peace to know what a blessing it is to have a man who knows how to handle a woman, but knows how to pick out the good parts to focus on. He knows how to be supportive and find the little things I do or need as a gift for me to realize that I was and have been so deprived of what I never had, a real man showing me what I’ve been missing and never knew it existed before.
I talked to her about how I always feel like I have a black mark or something dark always following me in my life because I don’t know how to be happy. It wasn’t something I was ever taught from the very beginning of my life. I never knew that before.
I’m hoping that with her help I can get help with making positive changes and be more appreciative of the things I worked hard for in my life. I mean how many people would continue to live like I do? I mean struggling to get my head above water while trying to move forward and feel like a grown woman.
Let me know if you struggle with this as well.