Sitting in my therapy session on Tuesday night it was evident that I have no desire to ever be in a relationship ever again. I said it because it is how I feel.
My life is so crazy that trying to date, or attempt dating in my current situation of working two jobs and going to school full time would be nothing but a complete disaster of, “You never have time for me.” conversations. As much pain as my past relationships have caused me, and trust me they have. I could never personally do that to another human being.
In Tuesday night’s session we talked about my past relationships. I told her of how I used to manage my one night stands, she thought it very progressive because my father always told me, “Make sure you use protection, try not to fall asleep there. Make sure you keep a bag with you and a change of clothes. Leave a thank you note if the sex was good.” Telling a twenty-something year told woman this was a new experience for me, but my therapist thought that to be pretty amazing and educational. Then she asked me, “Did your father ever tell you about relationships? How to establish them? How to keep them?” I sat there for a split second and thought, “Nope, not once. Guess that explains a lot in my life.”
She wrote some notes down, and responded, “Isn’t building a life long relationship with someone the ultimate goal a father is supposed to teach his daughter?” I responded, “I have no idea. My father was not around a lot when I was a child. He was too busy chasing women around or that all might dollar.” The deeper we got into the conversation we started talking about my past relationships, one that lasted longer than just a one night stand, relationships that lasted for weeks and or months.
I had to take a deep breathe in that moment because two out of three are easy to talk about, but one hurts the heart too much. That one took some tissues to get through. She was surprised that I would have more emotions for the last one than the others. “What do you think that mean? You are getting far more emotional about the most recent relationship than any others in the past.”
After I was done with that my heart started to ache deeper than I ever thought it was possible. I went home and cried. I cried harder than when my heart was originally broken by him. Those are memories that I want to and have to forget.
It reminds me that I never want to be in love ever again. I don’t want to share my heart or my body with another person ever again. This may sound crazy, but I know deep down I am taking myself off the “dating market” for the next three to five years.
Let me know what you think, is this too deep or too much?