How do you know when you’ve found happiness? When do you realize that this is the life you have been working hard waiting for? Is it possible to find happiness when all you’ve ever known is pain and heartache?
I ask these questions because honestly I am dealing with a lot of heartache while I’m trying my hardest to stay positive. I need my life to change and get better in many ways. I have been working hard to get my own place again and I am close to making that happen. It’s just baby steps to make sure it happens.
Other than that I am dealing with a lot of heartache and pain because how do you know to kill the pain in your heart? Can you heal from any of that? Is is possible to even be fully healed from all the sadness that you’ve endured your whole life? I’m getting used to my scars. My never ending ability to attract men who are not good to me, good for me, and gives me a false sense of hope.
I am really losing so much faith in the ideas of love, or being with someone who sees me as their partner and not just someone they have sex with. I mean sometimes I get that way and never once has a man ever complained to me about just getting sex because they are getting something without the commitment. Maybe, just maybe that is where I am getting things wrong in my life. I need to change my ways. I thought I did, but I guess I am sending out those vibes only.
I’m not sure why this is the one major area of my life that bugs me the most. Maybe because the remaining parts of my life are coming together and I am seeing them as being almost whole. That makes me so happy and I am looking forward to it. Just trying to balance financial situations at the same time. I’ll get there I have faith. Below will be a poem it will express what I feel inside and I’m trying to manage.
Let me know what you guys think.
I wear my sadness. It shows. Not sure how to hide what is broken inside, but when I think of what was, what used to be, and how I’ve grown. My mind and heart goes back to when it was the happiest ever. Wanting that back, knowing it is impossible, the touch of your lips against mine, your smile, warmth, and your ability to calm the storm that is inside of me, but now all I feel is loss, hurting deep loss. The sadness sinks deep into cuts and wounds that I didn’t know were there, but somehow it has found its way. Knowing I need to let it go, I try all day, everyday, and I want to forget that for a moment in this life my one shining moment of happiness.