When you really need to understand something and yourself.
I wanted to change this blog up, change the way I write things. I feel like there are times when we really don’t know ourselves enough to see that when we learn how to be alone and stop seeing it as a negative thing, then and only then can we truly appreciate the life we have when we finally have it.
I am not shy about my age, never really understood why people are shy about their age. I feel age shows wisdom, shows that you’ve survived so much and is still willing to get up and get moving because you have a goal, you have a dream, you have a life that you want that is all yours.
To many those ideas sound greedy, selfish, and completely hypocritical of what society has told us our lives are supposed to be, but why do we have to follow norms? Who said so? Your parents? Religious Leaders? Friends? Family? Who? When? Why?
I ask all of these questions because honestly this is something I’ve personally been thinking of for a while. I spoke with my mother and her response to my questions have always surprised me. Please keep in mind that my mother is a very unique woman. If she had to do her life all over again I know she would have chosen a different path, made her life her own. Her responses to some of my questions, “Mom, why didn’t you ever push me to into the ideas of marriage or kids?” she always rolls her eyes over the phone, I know she does it. “Well Jennifer, marriage and kids aren’t all it’s cracked up to be. Honestly it does not surprise me that you and your sister have never married or had kids. All I’ve ever wanted for the two of you is to be happy, find meaning in your lives, and live it how you want.” I thought about this for a while. Neither of my us are lesbians (nothing wrong with that), my sister has never been in any kind of committed relationship. I’ve had my share, really enough to last me a lifetime. My mother has been the one constant person in my life to never judge me over my life choices, she will always visually judge me with her face, but never actually say that she doesn’t approve. It’s just society.
Why do we let society decide what is best for us? Maybe even pressure us into thinking we need this, or need that to feel like we are contributing to society. Honestly I am just trying to figure out a way to get money to pay my bills, work, finish my degree and land the right job for me and my future. For now working at an Elementary school is enough, my goal is to graduate in May 2022, get a full time teaching position by fall 2023 after a year of being a Teaching Assistant within my district. After all of that who knows where my life will lead me.
What do you think? Am I crazy for loving my single life even after all I’ve complained about? I’ve really done a lot of soul searching with regards to ever having a relationship. I honestly don’t think I need the emotional and mental headache or pain anymore. The dating sites are a joke. You will never change my mind. They work for some people, but to be honest 95% of the people I’ve spoken with, they have all been scammed or catfished in someway.
Let me know what you think. I honestly feel like a major weight of “must have someone to feel whole” in my life has been lifted off my chest. I don’t mind sleeping alone, having only one side of the bed, and not sharing my closet space.
Maybe I’ve just lost it because of way too many failed relationships. Oh well.