Real Life · Relationships

Happiness and Sadness together.

I’m sad, but happy for everyone else.

I love seeing my friends happy and their lives fulfilled, but when it comes to my life and the hurt in my life it’s just something I have to bury deep in something or some where that will never see the light of day.

My life is full of many blessings in my education and career. It’s opened so many wonderful doors and opportunities for me that I never knew existed. Yet parts of my life, my existence brings me so much pain, so much hurt that I just don’t know if I can deal with it anymore.

I work to be broke. I can’t get approved for a loan to pay off debt and help give myself a leg up on things in my life. I need money to pay bills off and the income I make should be enough for just me, but unfortunately there is more going on that I am just not seeing for some reason. It sucks because I know I’ve pulled myself back on a lot of crap spending like I used to years ago.

My “love” life is truly trash. I mean there is no way else to describe it. I’m 40 years old, never truly been deeply in love with someone who wants to be there for me when I need him. Wants to spoil me with his time or affection. Be present for life’s small and big moments, and makes sure that I am aware that I exist for him. That I am valued by him. The relationship I dream of is of a man who knows that just being there next to him, holding his hand, kissing his lips, watching TV with him makes me the happiest woman in the world. I’d think I just won the lottery because he’s willing to put up with a lot of stuff from me just to know what romance looks like to me.

I’m struggling hardcore because I’ve got friends who are at their happiest moments in their lives and I am truly, honestly happy for them and pray for Gods many blessings to them. Yet, when I see their happiness my heart just breaks, bleeds, falls to a tiny million pieces and tears full up my eyes because I know I’ll never have a tenth of what they have. One just moved in with their boyfriend of only 6 months, one just got engaged after being with their person for seven years, and the other is engaged (third times a charm) with their person after four years together.

I think of all of that and I can feel my heart just breaking in every single part of me inside my chest. It hurts in places I didn’t know that was possible. I guess love & money are the two areas that will forever block any sense of real life fulfillment.

It’s depressing. Believe me. The sayings, “God makes a way for everyone. He will make a way for you too.” Yeah well guess God didn’t send out that memo for me. I just see myself now almost 50, still struggling and living with my uncle because things aren’t working out for me. God I hope not because honestly I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.