Real Life

Keeping Private…Trying

Learning process

I have and am learning how to keep parts of my life quiet and to myself, however I know at times I say too much because I am being honest about what I am experiencing and or what my dreams are. I never know if what I am going through could help someone see something within themselves or help them see the red flags that I obviously ignore.

I know my love affairs are one sided, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t filled with a strange sense of kindness and respect. Do I wish I was happily in love with someone? YES!!! Do I wish he was happily in love with me? OF COURSE!!!!

I am 40, and I’ve had way too many failed relationships that I am starting to wonder about who I am as a person. Am I a good one? Why can’t I keep a relationship going? Why am I good enough to f*ck but not good enough to make a lasting relationship maybe even good enough to marry? I don’t think I’m ugly, but I don’t think I’m beyond gorgeous also. Do I need to lose weight? Yes, but I will do it for me not for anyone else.

I keep parts of my life private from online in certain ways. No one knows I’m working as a Teacher because I don’t want people involved. They definitely do not know I’m working part time for a hotel, but they do know I’m in school and getting ready to graduate. No one knows about my “friend” and I because it’s no one’s business. I struggle every now and then to understand what we are, believe me it’s me not him.

My goal is not let anyone else in who isn’t here for me or to push me up and through my bad day. I need that. I thrive on that, but at the same time I want and need to be left alone.

My worst habit is I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeves for certain people, not for everyone because of all my training throughout my life I can keep myself at a distance from those who I know are not good for me. It’s a helpful trait when I need to make sure to protect myself from anyone who wants to cause me pain. I just can’t seem to do that in any other areas of my life.

Honestly it’s my fault because depending on the person I tend to stay in my feelings because I don’t know any other way. It’s not the persons fault, but my own. This why when I’m on my personal Facebook page I never say anything that is relevant to my career or personal life, just my educational and political life (so not sorry). I just need to learn how to keep things to myself so people who are irrelevant in my life stay out of it.

Who does this? Is it only me? Let me know.