I started to dig deeper and deeper into my emotional trauma from the beginning. It really got me thinking about how my emotional relationships have been going from the start to where they are now. Honestly it showed me the “love” or the idea of what I thought love was then to now is empty, unfulfilling, and comes at a cost.
Now please don’t think I am not taking responsibility for my own actions because I am, believe me. However, as a little girl your father is supposed to be the only man in your life. The one where when the time comes for a guy to come into your life you will know how to be loved properly, respected, and also treated. I swear because of an absentee father, he shared his love with others more so than me. I seen the love he gave to my sister (she’s all kinds of special), and my little brother (he’s worse!) yet I was left alone to fend for myself in this world looking for some form of love, acceptance, and trust from anywhere I could find it.
It brings me to my 40’s I’m experiencing life in a whole new way. I love my job, I’m working part time for extra money so I can pay off debt, and also in school full time. I know I’m not lazy or a complete idiot. Yet being this way I am completely wrong for some guy. It still breaks my heart to know that I have so much love, devotion, loyalty, and kindness to give a guy with the obvious smart ass mouth comment or joke to follow it, but it’s all sitting dormant wanting to bust out to give to someone when the one I want to share it with has the emotional capacity of a cat. It’s sad, truly sad.
This is why I say I am dealing with a lot right now. For the first time in my life my career is finally on a good path. God willing I can keep doing it and moving forward with teaching Middle School. I want to know that I’m doing good, making good decisions, and being helpful to my kiddos. Yet as always I can’t seem to make or have everything else work out when I see it happening to other people.
I know I shouldn’t live in the past, it does no good for me, but at the same time when you reflect on how you are being treated, knowing you can truly share good love with someone, and the universe truly hates me in so many ways it really sucks to see a part of your life that you dream of is happening to other people.
I know my father and I will never have a relationship ever again. He’s always gone his way, and I’ve always gone my way. We’ve been like this forever, but if the man said he needed a piece of my liver or one of my kidneys. I’d share. I just know it will come with a price and in blood (literally).
My problem is letting go of real good things, the possibility of good love, even though it’s not going to happen at all, but it’s hard, so hard because people who are in relationships or married makes single people feel like they are less than human because you can’t meet someone new.
Maybe when I get done with all my life stuff maybe, only maybe will the rest workout.