Tonight was a deep serious conversation with one of my sisters, my step-sister that I am closer to than the rest. Anyway we had a long talk about emotional trauma and emotional issues that we dealt with as little girls that we didn’t even realize until we reached adulthood. Sad I know, but it’s just the way we were raised.
She has her issues with her mom and dad, and well I’ve got majority of my issues with my father. Yes, my mother was emotionally absent, no real signs of affection or telling me she “loves me” growing up. She waited until I was over the age of 18, and even now at 40 it’s still somewhat of a struggle for her.
Anyway, after talking to my sister I realized the only reason why I hold onto certain people in my life is because they give me the one thing I need to feel as if I’m needed by them….attention!!!! It’s not even enough for me, yet I take it in breadcrumbs like it’s life. Like water! Why do I do that? Why do we all do that???
I know this man (“Maintenance Man” not anyone else) doesn’t love me, he could never love me, but why do I allow him into my most intimate parts of my life and body, when I get only half of him. Is it because it was the first man in YEARS to pay attention to me? Yes. Was he the first man to show me that not all men are the same? Absolutely! Was he the first man to show me that paying attention to the little things make the biggest impact??? ABSOF*CKINGLUTLY!! I mean what a way for him to make me want to drop my panties so fast that I was blinded by how beautiful his heart is, his attention to detail, the fact that he was even talking to me! Oh my gosh!!!
Now many know my relationship with my father has been a difficult one since I was born. He wanted a son, he wanted to name me Toni Jr. my mom quickly smashed that one down. I was treated like a 3rd rate human being in my family, I knew my place and it was always three steps behind my father, and I was to remain silent until I was spoken to. Did that rule work all the time? LOL, nope! I grew up around railroaders, so naturally I have a mouth. But as I look back at my life how and when did I become so unbelievably happy with the bare minimum of love? Was it something I was shown from the start? Was this something I expected from men as an automatic thing? What do I do to get out of that cycle?
Is it possible to be a person who no longer takes the bare minimum from someone when you know you make the idea, the facts, and the ability to love so very easy, and not complicated at all. What do you do? How do you do it? If anyone has any advice please share. I mean it’s so easy at first, but when you get down to the nitty gritty of who you are, what you want, and what you expect from now on, all of a sudden you’re the one who has issues.
Let me know what you guys think.