Why do we put the ideas or desires of “love” on the back burner of life? Does it make you happy when you do that? Does it bring you a sense of peace as well? I ask these questions because I’ve decided, all on my own to put the ideas of “Love” on the back burner until I get done with school.
I’ve got 1 1/2, maybe 2 years of school ahead of me. Once I’m done I’ll be able to get a job and make a life for myself. Do I wish I had someone with me to bring me a small little bit of romance in my life during this time? Yes, of course I do, but as you well know that isn’t my luck at all.
What is it about love that scare us? Could it be allowing someone that much power over our heart and mind, even our body to be able to hurt us in a way that is just way too much. Maybe it’s just that we’ve been burned one too many times by the idea of ever having our own “Happily Ever After” because that idea of love is only for those who are lucky, those who are blessed, and those who are fortunate enough to find someone who wants to spend every single day of their life with you. I often think love is for those who are truly lucky and blessed, not for someone like me.
Since school is starting on Tuesday for me, I think its best to put the idea, or hope that love will follow me through this path on the back burner of my own life. Looking, hoping, praying for love to find me hasn’t worked so well for me. I mean truly hasn’t worked out at all for me. It’s there, I know it is, but it’s not for me. That’s what sucks the most because we all crave love, we crave that connection with someone who gets us, who makes us laugh, and finds little things about us adorable and slightly irritating at the same time.
Do you know what I mean? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel of this mess? Is it possible to put my heart back on the shelf, leave it there for about two maybe three years and maybe take it down to give it a try or should I leave it there? To be honest my heart has been back on that shelf since 2011. I let it down for just a moment and it allowed me to feel something, but in the end it wasn’t meant to be, just like everything else in my life. I’m thinking I need to put it up higher than before, maybe use a damn ladder or something and just leave it there inside of a box.
This time around with school I can’t get distracted, I can’t let anyone get in my way. Not that someone would have been a bad distraction, but an occasional one to let me breathe outside of the books, the constant studying, and more. Someone to remind me that I am a person, a woman that needs attention, or someone to just take care of them for a moment. Do you understand what I am saying?
I probably sound crazy, but to me the idea of holding onto something any tighter that isn’t working for me is frustrating, and honestly really draining emotionally and mentally. I’m not letting anyone go who isn’t already gone. Their own choice. Plus I know if he was in my life he’d keep pushing me to keep going with school and not to give up, but to be honest when someone’s whole body is out the door leaving nothing but their pinky finger that right there is your sign telling you time to put the heart and ideas of love back up on the shelf, but put those bitches up higher than before.
Let me know what you think.