It seems like I hit some memories that make sense in my world. Some that remind me of good times, and many that remind me of bad times. All memories in between are those of ups and downs, never ending questions to myself and the Universe to help me. To guide me. To show me where I belong, if I belong anywhere. The one thing the Universe has shown me is that I’m not good with relationships, or establishing lifelong relationships with anyone of great value or importance.
I’m good with flirting, good for an occasional sexy time at night, and at his beckoning call, but nothing more. It’s all my life lessons have shown me. Not sure how I drew that lucky card, but as I look back in my years of relationships and experiences, that really is all its shown me. I’m good enough to F’K and leave, but not good enough to F’K and stick around.
Is that what my life is supposed to be like? A series of random hookups until I’m dead? God that sucks! (Literally).
I made a wish list for the right man years ago. A lady gave me some stuff to burn with a wish list and send it out into the universe, “The Universe will listen.” She said. I went home made a list of 12 things I’m looking for in a man, a partner. Made two of them, one I’d burn and the other I put under my mattress and held onto it. Little did I realize that the Universe would send me someone, but with a sense of humor that I didn’t expect. The universe definitely brought him to me, but he’s so distant, and always the fishing rod guy. I’m just the dumb fish (Pisces) that hangs on all the time, even after he throws me back.
Now my list was specific. I made sure of it. I wrote it all out, but as I burnt the items with the piece of paper and said a prayer little did I know he’d be out there. Again, the Universe has a wicked sense of humor when it comes to my life.
Four years ago he came into my life totally unexpected. I wasn’t looking for anyone at all. Like my mind wasn’t there, but here he comes anyway. I remember my list and I started to pray, thanking the Universe that a real man has finally entered into my life and I’m so unbelievably thankful and happy because for once here was this man and he ticked every single box on my list! I never knew a man could be this so beautiful, kind, funny, sexy, and just all around “perfect” (in my eyes), it was like a dream I didn’t want to wake up from. Probably the happiest I’d ever been in my entire life. Unfortunately it was not meant to be, as so many of my relationships are.
Again this is where the Universe and I have issues. It brings me such happiness into my life, and other parts of my life falls apart. I mean crumbles hard. Eventually he does too. I’m not sure why I expected him to stick around when my world falls apart, but that was one area I had hoped that would weather the storms of my life and be that one constant light through the darkness. Unfortunately that too comes to an end, like so much of my life.
I’ve realized through the years that I am relationship material, but to a point. I can’t live with anyone. I love my bed and being able to sleep in it with no problems. My food is my food, and my space is my own personal space. Do I enjoy the company of others? Occasionally, but I don’t want someone living with me. Maybe I’ll change, maybe once I’ve finally reached my moment in the career where I’m finally happy, then and only then will my attitude possibly change. Who knows that God has in store for me.
What do you all think? Do you think I’m crazy? Every “relationship” I am in usually has a life span of 4 years. In some fashion, but who knows what will happen in five years.