Is there ever a moment when you sit back and look at your life and realize that every man you’ve been with from the time you’ve started dating at 20 has given you so many life lessons? Maybe that is just me. Grant it I’ve controlled a few of those moments with men of my own doing, but when it comes to relationships, I’ve realized that something is definitely wrong with me.
I realized that apparently after many conversations with a few men, I am Mistress material, nothing more, nothing less, but I am not Wife material. I guess I’m missing something because I was not aware of that. I do know some mistresses that eventually became a wife, but the feelings faded as quickly as the passion started.
How is a woman to feel when she realizes that all men want from you is sex, not the actual connection that goes with it, but just your there, doing what you need to do, and leave. Not the sweet text messages, the flowers, notes, all of that romantic stuff other men do for their women, these men feel that you are not worthy of any of it.
Sucks doesn’t it. As I sit here writing this I have to tell myself that I am worthy of starting a relationship with someone who wants me as much as I want him, to end up with a ring on my finger as long as he’s the right guy. I mean I can find ANY man out there to sleep with if I want to. I mean I know I can pick my phone up and text him RIGHT NOW and schedule a time because after all that is all I am good for to him, nothing more.
Honestly it truly breaks my heart because I have no clue as to what I’ve done as a woman to constitute this type of relationship with men. I see women all around me who are in relationships, married, happy, and getting everything they’ve ever asked for from a man. Yet, here I am alone, not feeling as if I’m ever going to have the best of both worlds when it comes to men and love.
At this moment I can feel my heart breaking. I’m trying to not tear up, and let my emotions out, but to be honest it’s been this way since I started dating men at 19-20 years old. Grant it I’ve maintained my few one night stands (SAFELY thank you very much) but those were mutual and respectful.
I am struggling with this life moment, or that ah-ha moment we all have in different times of our lives. I tend to have a few of them at different times per month, but this one hits way too close to home, and to my heart. I want to have that kind of kinky passion for my man that would eventually become my husband.
I honestly am fighting back some serious tears at the moment, my heart has shattered into a million little pieces, it feels like, but I know I’d never make a man feel like that unless he knew what everything was about from the beginning. Why do men fail in this regard?
How would you handle this? I know I’m not doing so well. I want to share my passion and experiences with the man who will want to be with me, and will want to put a ring on my finger. I don’t want to think that I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my life! This is why God and I have issues, in this area of my life. Everything else He’s blessed with no questions, but when it comes to me being happy, and being truly in love with someone, He stops me right there and reminds me that I’m not good enough for that, but for something else.
Deep breaths is all I can manage right now.