I sit and think I sometimes have experienced new feelings that I never thought I could ever experience in my life. Jealousy, the idea of that feeling is completely new to me. I mean the idea of seeing that I look at others who have the careers, home life, and love that I want for my own.
How do you handle that? How do you move on from the idea that someone will be allowed to love the person you tried so hard to love, and to show that you love him. She’ll be able to experience all the fun, laughs, smiles, his hands, and more just like you used to, but she would be the one, not you. Eats away at me sometimes.
Loneliness, definitely is something I’m used to, but it’s just different this time. I can’t explain it, but it’s something that is definitely new to me this time around. After my last relationship from years ago, I knew what loneliness was because it was so often that I was left alone, or he’d sleep on the couch, or just outright ignore me. I get my relationship loneliness, and to be honest I totally got used to it. Sometimes he and I never slept in the same bed. I usually slept alone. Yet this time around I’m just trying to get by with my loneliness. I’m trying not to let it dig itself deep into my bones. I know I’ll be distracted in a month with school, but even now I’m just looking at things differently. How do you cope?
I have a deep level of uncertainty when it comes to my love life. Do you ever get that way? Maybe I’m the only one. It’s just so odd to be so unsure about something I have zero control over. My future career and stuff I see so clearly. I can see where my path will lead me, but when it comes to and my love life it’s so foggy, like a deep dark side of uncertainty that I am trying to let me heart not dwell in. It’s scary to think about my life moving forward without love, without having a person there who will just be there.
Do you guys deal with that? Is it something that crosses your mind, your heart? Maybe I’m the only one who thinks like this. Crazy I know, but that’s me.