Funny thoughts

Just because I’m gone, doesn’t mean I wanted to.

I left…I didn’t want to

Do you feel pain in your heart when you walk away from someone? You knew that once you finally got the guts to do so, the pain you were anticipating was going to come, but it comes in waves, but not all the time. Is that just me? I can feel my heart breaking at times because I’m alone, but honestly I should be used to it, right? Other times I don’t feel my heart at all. I’ve ignored it, put it on the back burner of my life and decided that it gets me into trouble.

When you decide to walk away from someone because you know the end result of the relationship wasn’t what you hoped for, but honestly what part of the relationship was? It’s not anyone’s fault that the relationship ran its course, but knowing that it doesn’t make the inevitable heartache any easier. There are days that you feel fine, then there are days where you miss the warmth of their hands, the smell of their skin, the taste of their lips. Other days your just wanting to make sure that your mask is on so no one can see it.

Dealing with heartache is one of life’s never ending things that is a constant type of education on every basic level. You learn about yourself in a way you didn’t think about before because every relationship that you’ve been through has really been a lesson, a stepping stone to move you onto something or someone better than before. When you are reminded of those things, those are the days where you are feeling strong, that no one is going to bring you down. Those moments of old memories that float into your brain, float right out because honestly its that, “I don’t have time for it” kind of moment.

Those other memories that you have to deal with are the ones where you are going to bed, alone. Curling up to the many pillows, and fat cat that you have to give you some comfort, but in reality deep down in the lowest part of your heart wanting to feel someone next to you, the sounds that they make, lean into their chest to hear their heart beating, or just listen to them breathing is what gets you. It’s what reminds you that you are dealing with pain, right?

I’m not sure how long this will last for me, but I am working through it. I’m trying to stop myself from thinking of him because I know he doesn’t miss me, or think about me. I’m often told, “If you meant anything to him, he would be knocking down your door to see you, blowing up your phone to hear your voice.” Well neither of those are happening so it makes sense when I say, “He doesn’t miss me at all.”

I’m finding a lot of things on Pinterest right now because no matter how much pain my heart is in at the moment I know I’ll get through this, or maybe just shove it so far down that I’m going to ignore it for the rest of my life and hope that I never have to deal with any complicated relationship ever again, but life happens. I’ve realized that out of all of my ex’s the most recent one shows me that I can’t hate him, like truly hate him. I just can’t, but I know I can talk so much crap about the other two ex’s from my past, but this one will never get one bad thing ever said about him.

I think that is how you know you’re an adult, right? No hate, no anger, no resentment of any kind towards them. I know he’s a good man. I seen and experienced it first hand. He’s so beautiful as well, funny, and honestly very sexy as well. I just know that any woman will be super lucky to have him. I also know that if she mistreats him, I’ll let him experience it for a little bit, but if it goes too far I’ll step in and put her in her place.

Yet through all my pain, putting my own shield of protection around my heart, or just locking it down there is no hate for my ex, but love and wishing him well. Saying that doesn’t mean I wanted to leave, walk away, whatever you want to call it, but because I wasn’t getting what I know I deserved, and us going way past our prime as a couple made me realize that I needed to leave, to stop texting him, to stop everything cold turkey for my own sanity. He really was driving me crazy in different ways. I don’t hate him, I just can’t, but I can’t stick around at still be happy with myself and my life.

Does anyone understand what I am saying? How do you deal? Let me know.