The one thing I’ve learned since accepting my depression is that it comes in levels, and at random times. It’s understood by me, and what brings it about, but at the same time it’s moments that flash back into my mind that remind me of either happier times, or just down right horrible moments.
I have realized that because of my depression its something a man can’t put up with, manage, help, or even want to understand. It’s not complicated, but apparently it is too much for them. I find that some men who’ve never experienced being with someone or around someone who is depressed would rather wash their hands of them, instead of just giving the person space, or letting her cuddle next to him to feel the touch of his hand.
Allow me to explain my depression. Please keep in mind it’s not the same as anyone else’s because we all go through things differently. My depression really truly stems from my father, never being enough for him, or loved at all from someone who is half of what makes up my DNA. If you’ve never been ignored or forgotten by someone who’s supposed to love and protect you then you have no idea what I mean. Now as I’ve gotten older and realized certain things about him, and why he is the way he is, and his issues are not my problem, yet they have definitely left a major scar on my heart and mind.
When someone doesn’t understand what any of that means they think its in your head, and leaves you. All I’ve ever known is men leaving me because of whatever the reason. Cheating, lies, stealing, drugs, or emotionally constipated in their mind. I honestly believe that these relationships would have failed because in the end I don’t deserve any of it. The feel of happiness, joy, peace, and ultimately safety.
Understand that this is where my mind goes. My head tells me that I’m not enough of a woman to keep a man. Keep him happy. Interested, or wanting to make a life with me. The only kind of men I seem to attract are men who are married, sexually starved, and emotionally nonexistent. I honestly have no idea what it means to be with someone who is 100% free of his issues. Wanting to be in my life through the good days and bad. How do you make someone ready for those? I have never been given the opportunity to even try.
The other direction my mind goes is wanting to feel safe. Every day my mind is filled with a form of paranoia that my Father and certain relatives on that side of family are going to come into my life and just wreck it all to pieces. Not because I’ve allowed it, but because my mind and body are breaking down and just can’t take it anymore. My hope, my prayer has always been to have a man who is willing to step up when he sees that I’ve taken enough, or will step in and protect me from the start. It’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life, it’s all I’ll ever wanted. Love, protection, and safety.
Funny how the key essentials that you desire the most are also the ones that bring you so much pain. Do you understand what I mean? Does anyone? Have you found those triggers for your depression? Mine will always feel as if I’m never enough, loved, wanted. Being desired by men isn’t a problem, at times, but not by the one person that I desire.
Let me know what you think? If you need help with your depression let me know. I am pretty sure I can help you find a good therapist. Sometimes health insurance can be helpful.