I am starting to think I will never get that feeling of “normalcy” in my life. Like what is it? How does one get it? During this Stay at Home stuff it has shown me so much about myself and the people around me, and those who are “involved” with me in some way.
I am truly alone. I mean 100% alone. People have others to see, hang out with even in the safety of their homes, and just others to talk to. I’ve noticed that it’s probably best for me to be alone and just accept that this is my life, and this is how I am supposed to be.
I say this because I don’t see or hear others wanting to make efforts to be with me, reach out to me, or anything like that just whenever it fits them. I really am a part time person to so many people. No one probably knows what that feels like because they are the opposite of everything I am.
This isolation has shown me that I am just not going to be able to fit into “society” in any way at all. I can’t make a relationship stick, what makes anyone think friends want to be able to hang out with me. I mean I knew I was alone, but never realized how truly alone I am, isn’t that sad?
I am not a super needy person, but this whole thing has shown me that I occasionally need someone to keep me sane. To keep my mind from that never ending running of feeling as if I am insignificant to anyone. I mean I know at times I am not the nicest person, and I have made mistakes, but I am not sure why people feel the need to be crude to me for a long time.
If you can’t tell I am having a serious kind of day. When the reality of knowing you are alone, and will probably be alone for the rest of your life it isn’t exactly what you wanted deep inside.