I don’t know if anyone else is ever in the same mental or emotional boat as I am, but since my therapy appointment last week my brain has been on a severe up and down roller coaster, and honestly it sucks!!!!
I normally pick myself up with no problems, dust off the negativity and move on, but to be honest this time it’s tugging at my heart and mind because do we all look for a sense of affirmation in our lives from day one? I mean I know when a baby crawls, or takes their first step, or speaks everyone is just clapping and excited, but as we age, as life happens to us do we look for the same kind of thing when good things happen?
I’m so used to horrible things happening to me that I get nervous when good things start to happen and change for the better because in my mind I always know the other shoe is going to drop at some point. I don’t know what that is, but it’s always something.
Definitely a major trust issue, but a major life issue. I put so much blame on myself for so many different things when in fact I never expect good things or people to stick around. I’m always wondering if they will see my cracks and walk away.
I hate looking at my own cracks, faults, and defects, but the thing is at least I know I know I have them. I guess I am so used to people automatically seeing them. Guess it makes sense when it comes to relationships, maybe all I am good for is sex and that’s it. I mean because of my issues it’s beyond obvious that I’m not meant for or even good with relationships. Like establishing one that will stick around and be there when I need him.
If you can tell where my mind is with all of this it’s not good. It’s a mess and honestly it’s got me to the point of just wanting to sleep and not do anything else. Just sleep, yet I’m up moving around because I have to work.
Does anyone understand what I mean?