Have you ever had someone hold a mirror up to your face and call you out on your self-sabotaging ways? If you haven’t then I have the person for you. I just totally experienced that for the first time in my life today. Talk about ripping my heart, ego and pride out and putting it through the shredder.
This was something I apparently needed to experience to put my life into a new perspective and some sense of control. I mean I know I’m not in charge of my life or life directions as I would like to be, but the moment you get called out that I am constantly comparing my life to others, wanting a life like others, or wanting to project the idea that I too can have this or that I just need to work a million times harder to have this or hold onto that. I drain my battery for life and just find myself not being myself or wanting to have some form of life affirmation from people I really shouldn’t have.
Does any of this make sense to you? Have you had the chance to realize that about yourself or does this type of behavior not effect you at all?
I feel like I try to have some type of life that I see others my age have, but I beat myself up so much emotionally and mentally that it’s sometimes a never ending cycle and cry for help. Not sure who I am crying out to, but it’s obvious no one is listening and I am just wondering why I even do it, like why do I even try to include people in my life when I’m not celebrated for my accomplishments or something. Is it because they know something I don’t? Could it be that they see the same never ending cycle and cry for help that I was choosing to ignore.
I mean this has helped me realize that I totally sabotage pretty much every single area of my life. I pretty much have no one else to blame but myself at this point. I have a great opportunity with school coming in August 2020, it will be 100% paid for, but I can’t let anything stop me from finishing this degree this time. No more blocks of this or that in my life. I’m going to have to “bite the bullet” and just put my pride and ego on the shelf for 2020-2021 to finish school. I mean I want to graduate with honors. I want to show that I have the ability and the knowledge to be smart and also reliable to any company that hires me.
Let me know if you understand what I am saying? It feels like I’m going to be battling this self-sabotaging for a while. I’ve got to stop if I want to have the life I truly desire. It’s just allowing God to help me figure that out.