Funny thoughts

Trauma, Pain & Love

Does anyone watch a television show called, “Yellowstone”? A few friends recommended that show to me and now I’m completely hooked and obsessed. I mean really because Kevin Costner is in it, and Cole Hauser as well.

The show is about a Ranch owner, his business, and his family. The family is what gets me. His daughter “Beth” played by the fantastic Kelly Reilly. She has taken on the character of “Beth” and really has been able to dig deep into what makes this character so special, and also really what makes her trauma so real, plus all her mental pain and anguish just come through her. I love this character because she is strong, she doesn’t let anyone or anything scare her in the business world. She knows what she’s doing at all times, and also knows how to make people feel less than without batting an eye. This character is truly my Spirit Animal.

The relationship between “Beth” and “Rip” is beyond complicated. There is a real love, an honest love between the two of them, but Rip would definitely kill someone for Beth, and wouldn’t think twice. Yet, he knows all her dark secrets, her pain, her mental anguish and he still loves her, he will still fight whatever he needs to just to protect her.

I’ve been doing the quizzes in that book, “What’s My Type”. Still totally recommend this book to everyone. As I started going through my Past it starts from the beginning. A lot of the questions were super difficult to answer, but in reality it showed me so much. A lot of where my pain, messed up ideas of relationships, and trauma comes from. The first test got me, it was about my parents and their marriage, and their relationship. I had to walk away from it for a while.

Allow me to explain. My parents’ marriage was totally 100% arranged. They didn’t love each other at all, in truth they despised each other, but they both had a job to do. My mother’s was to try to tame my father and give him kids. My father’s job was to just be present and keep a job. My mother played her part, gave my father three kids, but the taming part failed miserably. My father left when I was three years old, and my mom had a newborn attached to her….Now you see why I have stayed away from marriage and kids. Bad examples from the start.

Growing up my mental trauma came from a variety of things. Never being good enough for my father. Always coming in dead last to my sister and brother because to my father I was the “Spare” to him. I wasn’t anything special. Believe me he made it very clear when I was like six or seven years old that I wasn’t what he wanted for a child. Just what someone wants to hear. It lasted pretty much my whole life. Because of him I learned how to put on a fake smile, fake life, and just act like everything is okay when in reality I was dying inside. Now it’s only gotten worse with my uncle because he thinks he’s the most important man in my life who’s trying to make my life better. Believe me he isn’t. It’s all a lie.

This test brought up so many things that I saw between myself and my life. I see the love story of “Beth & Rip” on this show and realize that the way they write these characters for this show is how I want to write a man in my stories. Someone who is man enough, strong enough, and willing to put up a fight to just be there for the woman they want. Like he’s gotta have the guts, and the balls to just know that, “Hey she comes with so much baggage, but honestly it’s not her fault. I will be here for her no matter what and I will love her through all of it.” I think this is why their relationship sticks with me to my bones. Funny how I can find beauty and love in two characters that don’t exist. Am I messed up or what?

I recommend watching this show. It is beautifully written and acted. It’s an hour to just escape. The story of “Beth & Rip” will get you as well especially if you’ve ever experienced any kind of trauma in your life. I need a man like “Rip” in my life. A tough guy on the outside, but when we are alone together he’s gentle, kind, loving, but will have zero problem stepping up to someone when it’s needed. I guess I will never find one like him. Maybe I will keep writing about those kinds of men and hold onto him in my heart hoping that one day someone would be willing to be that man for me.

Who know’s it may never happen. What do you think?