Real Life · Relationships

Reflection……again x4

Do you ever look at your life and see all the good and all the bad? I mean really take stock and inventory of who you are as a person, and where you went wrong in all areas of your life? Do you mark those as life lessons or reasons to make changes so that you can make sure you are making better decisions for yourself in the future.

I’ve learned in my 38 years, after my last super heavy failed relationship that I am so glad I didn’t marry that guy because honestly we would have been divorced within 6 months or a year. From that relationship I learned to be myself, don’t lie about who I am, don’t ignore the fact that I am a smart woman, and do not try to fit into anyone’s box because he’s not trying to fit into mine. Like I said it was best that he and I never married, it caused so many family issues and so much heartbreak.

My most recent thing had to have been my most favorite, and also the hardest one to get through. It’s not anyone’s fault that it ended the way it did, but I guess the situation that was created by outsiders, was just the catalyst that we needed to fully end everything. It still hurts no matter what because I thought despite our odd arrangement we were happy because we both got what we needed out of each other, even though I knew I wanted more, so much more because in reality he was pretty perfect in some ways that I never knew existed in men. The sad part was I always would tell myself that, “If I did this” or “If I acted this way”, even “If I didn’t bother him so much” he would realize that I am the right woman for him, but in the end it wasn’t meant to be. He wants something that he doesn’t even know what he’s looking for, and I know exactly what I am looking for and needing because he helped me see that. For that reason I will always be thankful for him and the experience of it all. Yes, it was three years too long, but it was worth it in the end.

I am looking at 2019 as a major reflection of myself and what I stand for. I’m always searching for more, but that is within myself. I always pray for happiness, health, clear mind, open heart, and that I can watch my tongue when I need to, because I do have a tendency to say what I want, when I want, and how I want with zero disregard for anyone, the only time I use my sharp wit and sharper mouth is towards my family only. I guess I know who, when, and where to pick my battles.

When it comes to 2020, there is a slight chance of hope in the mix. I am definitely looking forward to see what my life has coming for me. I know God will make positive things happen, but at the same time I need to make sure that I keep focused. I don’t know why, but I seem to get a surge of positive energy my way when after dealing with a breakup, heart ache, loss, or anything of that form. I pick myself back up and move forward with my life. I do leave the door slightly open to possibly meeting someone new, but I never make it a major must. It’s just a nice thought.

What are you reflecting on in 2019? Have you even thought about it? What are your hopes for 2020?

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