Let me explain why I say, “I want it all.” It’s because today I realized that I want the good and bad of a real relationship. I want to leave home knowing that I’ve got someone to come home to. If his job requires him to travel, then at least he’d know I’d be happy to see him when he gets home. I’m a relationship person, I wasn’t before, but I really am now.
It breaks my heart knowing that I’m facing this again, being alone. After everything I’ve prayed for, waited patiently for, and now I’m empty handed now.
I want someone who will sit next to me in church, knows how I drink my coffee, how to make a smoothie, and even knows that just his presence can calm me down. He would text me or call me at different times of the day to just say, “Hi.” or an emoji. I want to tell him about my Bible Study nights with my friends, and he will be happy about family time hangouts. I am fully aware that I don’t have certain things in my life put together, but I want to be able to walk into a place knowing that someone I love who loves me back is there.
Today was a very difficult day for me, it was the day I opened my door to possibilities. Now it’s not relevant anymore, it just sucks. I should have waited a while, maybe checked in with me to find out if I was really ready for all of it that was coming my way. I’ve been fighting back tears, but now I feel it as I lay here in bed just trying to reinforce that steel wall with barbed wire to protect myself from outsiders.
I never saw myself as “girlfriend” material, but I do now. I know I am, but now it’s just figuring out how to ignore the pain and just move forward. It’s what I have to do, it’s what I need to do. I can’t dwell on what I no longer have because I made the choice, it was my decision (after months of everyone telling me to let the relationship go), and that I deserved more, so much more.
I honestly have no clue what that is. I am just trying to live my life and grow with every single day.
Maybe turning my heart cold will help, what do you think?