I had an “A-ha” moment tonight when I was talking to my sister. I asked her, “Sis, do you think I am paying some form of penance because of my parents?” She looked at me wondering what I meant. “You know my parents didn’t love each other like two people should when getting married and having a family. I know my father only gave my mom enough attention to keep her around, and to make the three of us. I wonder if I am drawn to those type of men?” Her mouth dropped, “It makes sense sis, we are drawn to men who are a little but like our fathers in some way.”
We sat there just looking at each other realizing this more and more together, because it makes sense as to why I always meet guys who are emotionally constipated in some way. Let me explain what I mean. Believe me this is no ones fault, this is a realization about me and my love life.
I meet someone, I have his attention, but for only a moment. Unlike my parents, I have the guys passion, his excitement for me, but nothing else. He pulls away from me when I’m not needed or wanted. Yet, when we are together it’s all about me. Like my father, he gave my mom and the many women in his life all they wanted as long as he got what he needed out of them, then he was gone. Basically onto the next one.
However like so many tragedies that type of life only lasts for so long. My fathers Casanova ways were eventually clipped along with his spirit. That’s the thing that’s different with me, I want a man who has passion for me and for life, but I want to know I have his full, 100% attention, that whatever I want (mainly affection and attention), that is what I will get.
The sad part is my father looks like a broken bird who’s lost his feathers to fly free. Maybe that is what men want in the long run and I am just not seeing it. My stepdad is so different, he’s difficult, complicated, but has passion for my mom like she’s never had. My ex-stepmom and her husband are like PB&J, smooth and rich together that they compliment everything about their relationship and yet are free as birds can be flying around, but full of love, devotion, and passion for each other.
Maybe THAT is what I want, what my (2nd mom) Sylvia & Douglas have. Free spirited lives, but a deep love that is real, understanding, and appreciation for what each bring to the table. I don’t want to be my parents failure of what their relationship should have never been. A sad thing that was doomed from the start.
What do you guys think? Is love and life like that?