Have you ever had to deal with being jealous about people? Couples? Love? Relationships? Overall life?
I learned early on to never be jealous of anyone or anything they have, but I am human so I fail in certain areas of my life. I know I don’t have the career I want, living on my own like I would prefer, and definitely do not have the bank account to back it up (I walked away from that last one, it came with too many lies, manipulation, and blood), but that doesn’t mean I can’t see how I’ve seriously missed out on so many things.
Being jealous of those around me is a crazy new concept, never once have I ever felt it so deep in my heart or my gut to get me to the point of tears. It makes me wonder what someone else has in their lives, or what they did right to experience what I have always wanted….love.
Not love of parents, but the love of a partner. The things I see people sometimes take for granted, or maybe they had someone in their lives, but now that person is gone for whatever the reason. The fact is they had someone who loved them for a period of time.
I realize now at 38, that there are things in my life that I’ve avoided, missed out, loved the wrong guys, and or just became so blinded by my own ideals that I have shut myself out and or down from the ideas of love because I’ve been hurt one too many times.
I guess maybe I’m not meant to be in love with someone, or have a man love me back. I see my friends of the past 20 plus years they are all married, getting married, divorced with kids, or in deep committed relationships that give their lives a sense of fulfillment, and you know what it breaks my heart because it’s something I can’t seem to have.
I wonder if someone of us are meant to be alone in this world, like it’s some stamp that God puts on us to be alone no matter what, plus not to mention always get stuck with those people who aren’t good for us in anyway at all, but for one thing.
God I hope that isn’t my life, but man do I hate being alone.