It’s 4 am, and my brain can not shut off. I’m not exactly sure why, but a part of me feels like it knows why. I know me all too well, and when things are going good in certain parts of my life, other things have to go bad or fall apart completely.
It’s that feeling of knowing you’re alone for a reason, knowing that you’ve tried everything you can think of to make someone else happy, consider you as someone important, but it doesn’t work. Nothing works at all.
It’s been a long time coming, since February 2017 to make peace with everything. The yo-yo life has to come to a close, it’s not possible for someone to stay connected and committed to someone who isn’t and never will be.
You try not to think about all the “What if’s” that go through your heart and head. Just deal with the now, move forward with the idea that you are not going to have the one thing you crave with someone….a connection. I’m not built to be a mistress, I’m not built to play the field (anymore), I’m definitely not made to wait for someone to grow up and figure out what they want or who they are.
I want a man who has passion in his heart, he’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind. He knows what I need to be happy, and to be honest with me about things. Spoil me with his attention, his laughter, hugs and kisses. I’m sure this man does not exist in this part of my world, but he does in my head. Guess that is where he needs to be to help me survive.
Being alone is what I am good at, it has definitely helped me through some phases in my life. I’m used to it, it’s like my security blanket. Loneliness is truly my best friend and constant companion.
Do I want pity? No, just acceptance from people around me. They don’t need to worry about me ever finding love, just be thankful that I’m not stuck in some messed up going no where thing that never seems to end, makes sense when both sides fail to let each other go.
You do what you have to do to breathe, heart aches for a bit, then you put your big girl panties on and move your life along without that person. Make your own life, make it better, real, and full of love for yourself.
It is what it is in my world. I can say I’ve experienced so much happiness, but just like that I’ve experienced so much sadness as well. It doesn’t hurt as bad now as it did February 2017, you were just a shock to my system that summer day in 2016.
Thank you for everything, opening me up to something new, but the experiment is over. You live your life, and I’ll live mine, it really is for the best. We’ve tried three different times to make whatever we are “work”, but we still get here. Me feeling like I’m not enough, and you pushing forward to “Neverland”.