A few days ago I was struggling with the fact of not knowing who I am. I’ve made a lot of bad choices and I’ve noticed that no matter what I do, I can’t seem to break through them or even have a chance to be free of them. It’s my own fault, I think I make changes when in reality it’s not me that owns my destiny. It’s the man who created me and gave me life that creates my life. I fight with myself daily for a sense of “independence”……that’s funny, it will never happen. I can’t form my own identity, how on Earth am I going to form my own independence.
I’ve realized that I am at a life crossroads. Men get this way when they hit their 50’s right? Some divorce their wives, find the younger, beautiful, bigger boobs chick, trades in their car for a “new model” like a BMW or something. It has to be eye catching, right?
Why can’t I be at a crossroads in my life? I know I’ll never be free of my life, I’ll never have that special person, it will just be me, my job, and whatever bills I have around. I’ve reached a level of acceptance. It’s a true level of acceptance.
If I can let God make some good changes in my life, it will help me get out of this hurtle I am trying to overcome. Then, only then I can move forward with facing all those changes that are bound to come my way.
I think that is where I am, at an emotional and mental crossroads of who I am as a person. I’ve got to figure it out day by day, and just keep moving forward.
How many life crossroads are too many? I’m reaching 40 soon, and to be honest this would be my first official crossroad of change. Everything else has been a complete screw up that I constantly get myself stuck in.