Ever go through phases in your life when you think, “Is this it? Am I doing what I love? How did my life end up like this?”
That’s me on a daily basis. I swear I constantly beat myself up daily in my mind because I know better. I know I’m smart, educated, but I can’t break through my own personal barrier that I’ve set for myself…..then again I don’t even know what that is! I need help.
I thought I was through with trying to figure out who I was, what I wanted, what kind of life I deserved……but life always has a way to throw a major curveball that I just swing and miss. Strike 167 of life. What makes it all worse is I feel like I am running out of time to be happy, to be honest with who I really am, and to finally quite the voices of judgement from myself, and my family. It’s like they can smell failure on me just like I can….yes my mind goes there constantly.
Maybe I’m not cut out to have a better life like the one I always dreamed of. A fantastic career that doesn’t feel like a job, my own home, and an amazing man to love who will love me back. It doesn’t need to be a fancy life, but a life!
Women always say, “My biological clock is ticking.” It’s like the bodies way of saying the window of opportunity for life is expiring soon, it’s mostly relevant for babies, since mine has been permanently disconnected since I was 23 years old, my ticking clock is a bit different than everyone else.
I pray daily that God will hear me and help guide me in a positive direction, a path that will help me out of this messed up life I am living now. I’m not asking for easy, I just want to know where I belong.
Ever feel like that? I know I want to go back to school, finish my degree, and focus on the life I hope to have. Did you know what you wanted to be when you were younger?