What is marriage like? What is it like to be with someone 24/7, 365? To be with someone whom you love with every single part of who you are. I often wonder what it would be like to be married, to be apart of a selective group of people, and world.

I gave up on the idea of ever being married because when you can’t even keep a normal relationship going, what is the point, right? You tend to give up on the idea of ever really being with anyone, let alone being happy. Being alone is a comfortable feeling because you can never get hurt. Maybe that wall that I’ve built around myself to keep myself protected from the idea that any man would ever want to marry me, has hindered me with breaking down the wall of possibly ever really having a good solid relationship with someone.

Do you think it is possible to have caused yourself harm by building that wall up so high, and so hard that it becomes totally difficult, and imprenatable. Does that mean that I am not a lovable type of person because the many flaws I have, this was the one thing that has made it worse.

I am still thankful that I didn’t go ahead with the arranged marriage that my parents set up for me when the day I was born. The guy and I hated each other from childhood. I go back often in my mind, with relationships only, but never did I think about the outcome of my mind set would eventually set me up for failure in my own life.

Yes, I have dealt with the fact that for some reason I am unable to maintain a solid, normal relationship. I always thought if I could just manage one good one, then maybe, just maybe it could evolve into the next phase of life…….Marriage. Not too worried about babies, I’m getting too old for that at this point. Yet, the one thing I’ve always wanted was to be with someone who loves me just as much as I love him. No extra bs needs to be involved, just the two of us and whatever life we have created together.

I am starting to wonder if my level of personal cynicism has now caused a major ripple effect of my life and eventually ever having a great, normal relationship with a man who wants to just be with me.