It’s the YoYo Life for Me…..I guess

This is what is so sad about men and relationships today. They want you when they only want something, yet when you just want them for who they are inside and out, they run for that door so fast their butt looks like it is shooting out fire!

I started to let go mentally and a little emotionally of my most recent ex. We only seem to communicate when he really wants something, or when he’s out of town wanting to be “entertained”, yet he always seems to find a way to worm his way back into my life. I know, it doesn’t take much effort, really none at all. I fall for it, text him back, or send him some funny GIF’s. Nothing like casual flirting, right?

I’ve been struggling to sleep the past few nights, it is wreaking havoc on my entire body, and my mind. I’m not sure what to do. Yet I get up and keep moving, it is all I know how to do. My mind is screaming for him to rescue me in some fashion, even if it is just a quiet time, falling asleep in his arms, hearing his heart beating, his laugh, just his time. Then again I stop myself thinking that he is going to solve some problem that I am dealing with, when in reality he is part of the problem, and I’m letting him and myself be used over and over again.

This isn’t all his fault, I am to blame as well. I own it because I fall for it every single time. I think, “Maybe, just maybe he will want to try again.” or “Well, this isn’t going to go anywhere, I’ve not had any in a while. Why not?” then the cycle begins all over again in my head, eventually in my heart even though I know I’ll beat myself up emotionally later, and the guys in the office will keep saying, “Uh oh, someone is back in the car!” Yeah, I get that all the time.

When the flirting ends, when all of that excitement ends, what is left? I seriously have no idea. I’ve never been in a relationship where I prayed it all worked out, where both of us would find a way to make it work, he includes me in his life, and wants to be apart of mine. In every single past relationship, never once have I wanted to fight so hard to keep this it going like I do with this one. I don’t know why. I mean I don’t know what makes him so different than the past…..then again he isn’t like the past, he really is that rare difference.

FML!!!!!