When you hit the wall of life it’s a major brick wall. It has steel and barbed wire around it, it constantly cuts you, and makes you try harder to push through it. Yeah that me, that’s my current situation.
Friday I hit the wall so hard that I woke up crying, drove to work crying, and spent a solid hour with one of my bosses crying!!! Who does that!?!? Oh yeah, me! I’ve realized that the path my life is on isn’t really working out for me anymore. No matter what or how I try to do it, nothing is changing for the better. I’m just in this perpetual level of being stuck in my life that I can’t seem to get out of.
My boss made me look up my insurance information to find a new therapist, and a new PCP because I can’t get in to see the ones I currently have because of financial issues. All of that combined with the everyday stress of life has really reached a super crazy level that my brain and body just can’t handle anymore. Even now I’m curled up in bed with my cat Oscar, left shoulder is killing me (tendinitis flair up) and I’ve broken out in hives all over my body!! Who does that??
The worst part for me was looking like I got punched in the face on Friday when I got to work. My boss Jason knew something was up, we were talking and I turned my head to cry. I ran to the bathroom and cried!!! I can tell you I am not suffering from any postpartum, I do not have any kids. I’m not dealing with a broken heart, there is nothing there to break! I’m not seeing anyone, and honestly I’m really not trying to get back out there anymore. I’m so over it all.
I had to take this entire weekend off away from life to figure things out. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do about things, my stress level is the highest it’s ever been in my entire life. It’s like I’m running down a tunnel, I see a light at the end of it, but when I think I’m getting “closer” I’m not, it’s like it pulls further and further away leaving me in complete and total darkness as the idiot who is running.
Thankfully I have a therapist appointment Monday and a Doctors appointment Tuesday, and my boss Jason, since finally figuring things out, told me, “Go to as many appointments as needed. We will be fine.” Yet, another stressful situation was just added to me. I need to find a new job, one that will pay me more money to live, pay bills, and survive.
No, I don’t get paid for my blog, I wish I did. I also wish I could figure out how to make my Oscar a celebrity of some kind. His face is beyond judgmental and always makes people laugh or feel totally guilty about something.
I know I’m missing out on life working two jobs, coming home to sleep and going back at it the next day. I need a change so bad. I’m completely lost in my life and in my head, so much so that it’s shutting Gods words out.
Depression is so very real, and painful.