Revelations

I often wonder if this is all life has to offer. Some people are meant to be happy with another person, be it marriage, steady relationship, or their own thing. I have started thinking what if we made our own rules with regards to “dating” or not “dating” another person. Maybe make that person your “special friend” only. Does that make it less hurtful knowing that you are alone? That the two of you will never progress past the bedroom or does it give you a sense of liberation because you do not have to put that much effort into something you know is going to end or go absolutely no where.

I’m turning 37 tomorrow. I thought I’d be further along in my life. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I have a blog where I can write what I want, when I want, pretty much anytime I want. Best feeling in the world. As for my career, I never set myself on an actual path because my parents decided it for me when I was younger. It’s all good now, but my dream is to be published, I have hope that will happen at some point even if it is a small publication.

Now, when it comes to having a relationship with someone its always been one of those things that I’ve wanted most. We all deserve to be loved, and to love in return. I am not looking to be married, or get married, but I often feel like when I see “happy” couples, or two people even trying makes me feel like I have a ting of jealousy. Not in them per se, but in the idea that they are willing to make something work. It is that one thing I’ve always wanted more than anything else. To be loved, and love someone back. Their end goal may not be marriage, but just to see how far they can take the relationship that is best for them.

The feeling of not being enough, or that I could have done more to keep him, or something like that often comes up and it feels like a stab in the heart. I’m done hearing people tell me, “Pray about it.” or even, “Don’t worry the right man will show up.”, the best one, “God will send you the right man.” Well to be honest if I look at my past, I had a good one, I felt that God did bless me with that, but in the end it wasn’t meant to be. Naturally. Do we all deserve to be happy? What makes us happy?

I really am wondering if it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is just present….Then again what constitutes as “healthy”?