I’ve been dealing with a few emotional things, really it seems like I never get a break from emotions or just heartache. It sucks. I just found out some information about ex #2 and how his life has moved forward with someone new, he has a little boy, and another baby on the way. I know I am thankful to be away from that man, and that life that we were going down, but at the same time I’m so pissed! Allow me to explain.
Life for good people is never easy, it is hard, complicated, and difficult. I mean I face challenges every single day. I’m sick of it. I mean I am REALLY F’ng Sick of it. How does this man who did so much damage in my life, stole so much money from me, how on earth does he get to have a happy functional relationship with a child, and a baby on the way, and I’m F’NG STUCK in a never ending cycle of trying to figure my life out!?!? Who on earth came up with this idea of life for me. I don’t want it anymore, they can take this black cloud of BS away from me NOW!!!!
I’m allowed to be angry, I’m allowed to be hurt, and I’m definitely allowed to be pissed the F off. Every time I think my life is moving along for the better, I am quickly reminded that it really isn’t, that I’m stuck, and destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I look at it this way, no matter what people tell me, trying to “boost” me up or something, at the end of the day I’m the one who has to deal with it, I’m the one who has to live this life until I make it to the other side. Emotionally I don’t have it in me anymore, mentally I’m f’d in the head (I know I am, and I own it).
Thinking of all of this, I’ve realized that I’m never really going to be happy with someone. I mean at times I am happy with myself, especially when I reach new milestones in my life, but seeing that I am a simple creature, and it doesn’t take much to make me happy, but coming to a true realization that I’m never going to share my personal happiness with someone who is worth anything is becoming all to real. I was sitting at the dinner table with my uncle, and I started to die a little bit more on the inside, because looking at his life, I realized that this is where my life is heading. Alone, in an empty space of life, surrounded by animals that I don’t really want (Oscar is the exception), but really sitting in front of the T.V. or my kindle waiting to fall asleep in the middle of my bed.
How horrible is that? I’m allowed to be angry over this.