Do you often wonder if having the “talk” with someone is wise?
I often find myself avoiding it. That is horrible of me, because I know I have to, it has to happen. Not to mention avoiding the “talk” helps me keep the lie alive in so many ways.
I know I have zero will power against this man. I feel so pathetic as a woman who has a backbone and a fighting spirit at times, please don’t think that I am not often tested a million times a day, we all are. I know what I want to say to him, but when I get to the point of wanting to be honest I freeze, my heart races, hormones go completely crazy, and he makes me avoid what I need to say.
If I could say to you all what I want to say to him…….
“Hey, we need to talk. Please listen and don’t say anything until I am done. If you don’t give me an honest answer of what you want from me I will walk out the door and never come back. However, if you give me the answer my heart wants to hear I will definitely stay with you through good & bad.”
(I picture him looking at me seriously looking at me with a drink in his hand)
“Okay, _________, I want you to know that I want more from you. I want us back, but a new version of us, one where we know the rules, know what we are, and understand what is going on in each other’s lives. I’ve done the best I can to be patient with you, but if I’ve never made my feelings known to you, now I am. I want you, need you, and I know you want me too, your just scared. I just worry that you may not want me too. If you want me please let me know, if you just want me to fuck me, please let me know that too, but if your done with me because you don’t see yourself wanting to just be with me, please let me know because I’ll walk out of your life for good. If you can’t tell, I miss us. I miss what we were, taking all the extra stuff you have shown me out, but just us, being together. Me able to touch you whenever I wanted to, just being so happy to have you holding my hand, touching me, and more.
I’m not asking for a ring, I’m definitely not asking for us to live together, but what I am asking for is another chance for us to give it a shot. We deserve that.”
(I imagine him looking at me still, knowing he’s totally listening, but he looks at me thinking)
He finally gives me his response, “I told you once before, I’m not looking for a commitment, I can’t really manage a relationship right now either, I’m so sorry, but I am just wanting a fuck buddy. I understand if you want to walk out that door and leave me, but please know this, you walk away it ends, everything ends completely.”
So, as I am writing this I can feel it in my heart that I’ll end up getting the short end of this stick. Even though I’ve told him exactly what I want, how I feel, and more. I mean I like him so much, that it’s one of those feelings that could eventually grow to loving someone so much, but hesitate to show it because once you do it’s all over and they can break you so much worse than before.
I am also hopeful that when he hears the truth that he will want me, that we can figure out our crazy lives, make it all work, but don’t put any heavy demands on each other, but work everything into our lives together. Again, I don’t have a lot of confidence in getting the answer my heart deeply desires, it’s prepared for complete disintegration.
I say I’m over him, I say I’ve moved on, but he is the ONLY man I’ve ever been involved with that I want to keep with me forever. I am willing to do what I need to do to keep him, but at the same time be true to myself, and still be myself to obtain my goals. I know he would never hold me back from any of that.
What do you think? Do you think you can have a relationship with someone, then turn into their fuck buddy, but be willing to give the both of you a new chance, like a brand new relationship?