Confusion sets in

When a relationship ends you are not left with a lot of unanswered questions. It really is based on how it ended. In bad relationships, and after, everything is there in black and white. Unfortunately, there are times when a great relationship ends, and there are lingering questions. No matter how much you tell yourself that you are finished with it all, they still hang around reminding you occasionally how great you had it for a moment.

When one is truly finished with everything, you hope to one day move on. There in the back of your mind some questions or even feelings that pop up every now and then to give you a small sense of self-doubt.

Right now I am doing the best I can to keep myself strong, to not crumble or anything when it comes to certain things in my life. It is finally coming together, I can feel it. I’ve been praying for the right job to come a long and to be honest I think I may have found it, but I currently have to wait until Friday to find out. I am completely nervous, but I have hope that when my life comes together and pieces start falling back into place other things in my life will start to fall back together again.

Do you ever think it is strange when that happens? Do you ever wonder if, just IF life was this way, or that way maybe, just maybe everything will come back full circle? I know I do, especially in my heart. It is still light, it is still full, but with something else. Not anyone else, but something else. My heart is full of love, but of God. I know my time will come for the right job, my life to fall back into place, and for the right man to walk into my life. I am just taking things one day at a time.

Now, when I say the right man, this always trips me up. I know I talk about my most recent ex a lot. He is a good man, there is nothing wrong with him. I have so much love and respect for him as a person, a gentleman, and as a father to his children. Besides all of that, he was able to show me something I never knew existed in the world of dating men. A REAL Man, one who isn’t afraid to date outside of his normal circle of race (that I knew of), and age. He took a chance on a woman who has her ups and downs of happiness, and a bat sh*&t crazy family who drives her totally insane. I mean INSANE!!!! I thank God for him daily, I pray for him daily as well. I don’t know any other way.

My ex showed me what a real man looks like too. One who listens, one who shows affection, has his crap together, funny, can take a joke, not argumentative in anyway, plus an amazing heart. I’ve started to go back and read articles from people and comments all over Facebook about how relationships end, what people think of their ex’s and what they have to say about them. What I read breaks my heart. I know what it’s like to be lied to, to be cheated on, and to have my heart broken into a million tiny pieces, but at the same time I also know what it’s like to rebuild it from nothing to open my heart up to something new, honestly the something new scares me to my core. If you really think about it, you’d rather go back to what is comfortable versus starting all over with the dates, then the kissing, then eventually sex with someone new. In the back of your mind you will compare the new guy to your last great relationship, knowing it isn’t fair to the new guy at all, it sucks at the same time because he has some big, major shoes to fill, not to mention that hole left in your heart.

As I kept reading everyone’s comments it started to dawn on me that these people, men and women have so much anger and hatred in their hearts for their ex’s, but when I have nothing but love, respect, and admiration for my ex, it comes off as a foreign concept. Do you ever think about that? I find that strange, especially now. I mean I could understand all of that a few years ago when I hated ex #2, lucky for him karma has gotten it’s hands on him and dealt with it all as it saw fit. I on the other hand have moved on, don’t think about the anger, hatred, and all that anymore.

Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe things in life workout for a reason? I mean you get something good, it shows you something is amazing out there, you want to keep it, but it’s not meant to be yours. I’ve gotten a taste of a good man, and I want more. I want is more than anything, but at the same time space, distance, whatever you want to call it can help gain some perspective as well.

What do you think? Do you hold hate for your ex’s, any of them? Do you let it go, move on and onto someone else? or are you like me who has to have some serious distance, hoping and praying that one day things will workout, that if it’s not meant to be, that the right one will come around? The crap part about all of it is knowing that he will not be like the last ex, but he has to be different. He’s got to want you, want to be with you, wants to blow up your phone, chase after you even if he knows you aren’t going anywhere. Wants to remind you that you are totally his, giving you that sense that he “owns” you in a good way.

So many levels of confusion when something great ends. How do you deal? How do you eventually look at starting over, is it even possible?