Envious

Ever wonder how not to be envious of others out there?  Yeah me too.

I struggle the most with that. I’ve always been one of those people who look at other’s lives and wonder, “How do they do it?”, “How do they seem to have it together?”, or even “How do they have a relationship with someone?”

It’s something my brain likes to think about. I’ve always wondered how long does it take someone to heal from heartbreak? Some people move on fast, some take longer than others, but then there are those who hold onto their broken heart and use it as a shield.

Do you ever wonder how they do it? I know my biggest faults: patients and envy. Those are not the greatest things to have when describing one’s self. It sucks.

When it comes to my life, all I’ve ever wanted was a good job. I can pay my bills, and live a little. Not much, but responsibly as best as I can. I mean have money to last between paychecks would be great (for once). Any opportunity to be better at a job, to grow, and to go back to school would be fantastic as well. I’m not looking for perfection, I’m looking for a chance to live a good life.

Now, when it comes to relationships, all I’ve ever wanted was someone who wanted me back. Someone who is strong, stable, open minded, funny, charming, and knows who he’s all about. Not afraid of the word Commitment, because depending on the relationship it can mean so many different things. I always hoped to have someone where the two of us can define it together.

My hope in my life is to no longer be envious of others, to be more myself, to enjoy this life I have, for how ever long it is. I try not to be envious, but since I am learning patience. I’m kind of taking things one step at a time. The thing about patience is that I’m waiting for something good to happen in my life. I’ve always been the kind of person who just grabs life and keeps moving. I’ve never once had to wait for something to happen, knowing my luck something eventually happens. I take a job, may not be the best one to take at the time, but it will just pay the bills. I do this until another comes along. I know I’m just trying to find my place. I’m waiting for school to get kicked off too. I’ve got meetings I need to set up with the University of Kansas to start some classes in the spring. I’m praying that if I appeal something, I can win it. I want to go back to school and finish something.

Other than that my hope in learning this level of patience also comes with waiting for a good solid relationship. I love how people say, “There is always someone out there for someone.” I sit there and think, “Are you sure? I’m starting to doubt all of that.” They just look at me, “Girl, you’ve not met the right man.” I get quiet, and think, “I’ve meet a few good men, but unfortunately none of them want to stick around.” I wonder if it is easier to just be alone than to be with someone? Then again, I read articles that state that we are not designed to be alone. I know this is where envy kicks in.

I have people in my family who can rebound to someone so special that it makes them forget about their past relationship issues. Then I have those who can experience severe heartache, and yet rebound with someone who makes them feel special and amazing. Yet I struggle. Again, this is where I’m trying my hardest to curb my envy, but it doesn’t work. Especially when I’ve been in that kind of relationship I cherish every single moment spent with that person, because honestly I’m always waiting for the shoe to drop. Story of my life kind of thing.

I often wonder about divorced people. How is it that some people who are either going through a divorce, or already divorced, they tend to rebound with someone who gets them, makes them laugh, makes them happy. When you have those who just prefer to be alone. I often think, wouldn’t it be easier to keep your heart guarded as you repair your life after getting out of your divorce, and trying to find some form of living again, and when you come across someone who totally gets you, understands you, and doesn’t put any level of expectations on you. Wouldn’t you want to hold onto that? Wouldn’t you want to take your time to figure the person out. I mean there isn’t a rule where you need to marry the person right away, but if you see your ex moving on with someone new, and they have been able to keep it steady for a while, then why can’t you? That opens one question, but then there is the other question, If your ex has moved on, your still stuck, yet you’ve met someone, you end it, do you still have feelings for your ex? Do you hope that their relationship ends so you can go back and pick up the pieces? Maybe win their love back?

I’m not sure about anything anymore. My biggest issues of this life I am living is patience and envy. I want to find a good job, one that will fit me completely, and allow me to live while being financially responsible. Then there is envy, I want to be happy again, I want to be cherished and loved.

What about you? What are your biggest issues of your life? There has to be something. Let me know.