Real Life · Relationships

Gut is screaming!!!

Ever have those moments in life when your gut is screaming it’s head off at you? Like it is telling you something is going on, or something is about to happen? Doesn’t let you know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but just be prepared.

Yeah, I get those a lot. I never used to listen to it when I was growing up, but now in the last few years I’ve started to make sure I give it a moment to really tell me what the heck is going on, maybe what is about to happen. I still have a tendency to ignore it on occasion, but lately it has been giving me this serious feeling of heartache and peace. Strange combination I know – allow me to explain.

I’ve finally taken a moment to myself to really be positive about a new job potential. I really want this job, I just know that I would be great at it, and I know I’d definitely do the best I can to make positive changes and more so my managers/bosses wouldn’t think WTF, “Why did we hire her?” anyway I’ve had two interviews, both went really great, super comfortable with the other staff in the same department that I would be in. The only thing that gave me pause was the GM, he was non emotional, I mean zero facial expression of any kind. I actually started to freak out, my heart was racing and I couldn’t really think of what I was needing to say to him as he asked me questions, but I made it through and I’m just praying for a positive outcome with this.

The downside to my gut screaming at me, is the time to face reality feeling. I’ve been hanging onto something that should have ended a while ago. It isn’t anyone’s fault, but hanging on gave me hope that in the end things will work out. I started to realize that as my life fell apart so did that element of my life. Now that I’ve hit rock bottom, well it’s basically non-existent. My heart is telling me, “Time to really cut it all off. No more, don’t look back, just keep walking.” my head is screaming at me, “Girl, I told you to stop so many times, get the F out of it, walk away.” for once in my life both things are in one state of mind. I am getting the feeling that the moving on process for this person began a long time ago, that the new person has now stepped in and taken my place within his life. I know a part of me maybe jumping the gun per se, but it’s something I just can not shake at all.

For me the hardest part of realizing everything is that I need to really let it all go. Yes, I will have continued heartache because I know I will have to watch this person move on without me, meet someone new who will fit everything he’s looking for and more. I’m pretty sure that the next person he gets with will be the one he decides he wants to share his home and life with. I will have to watch all of this from the sidelines that is my life. I’m preparing myself mentally and emotionally for what is to come, knowing my luck it has already started and I’m just to stupid to see it.

So many things have changed for the positive in my life lately, I’m actually looking forward to what is coming. I’m really praying for this new full time job. I will keep my part time job so I can pound out some serious bills, but I know I need to take things one step at a time. I spoke with my Pastor on Sunday about things, we are praying that I get a positive call tomorrow (Tuesday), because it will be the best thing for me, but in reality he told me to stay focused on what’s important. If God grants me the opportunity to start over again I need to stay true to who I am, and what I’ve been praying for, and pray that God will give me the ability to hear him when I ask, “What can I do Lord to avoid making the same mistakes?” Occasionally we all need to ask him that, especially when the same mistakes are happening over and over again with no positive outcome.

That is what I am praying for, not just the job, but really to rebuild my life back together. Right now my gut is calm, no major “butterflies” or “signals” going off, but pure calmness. It’s a great feeling. I just know that once I get my life on track there will be things I will need to face, and deal with. All I can say is, “One day at a time.” also “One thing at a time.” I can put the “relationship” that was on the back burner, I mean way back burner for now. It is something I’ve been needing to do for a while, but didn’t want to face it. Now I am ready to face being alone so I can heal what is broken in my life.

Goals are: Work, School, Health, and everything else. Staying totally focused on God, not letting things of this world distract me from what I am about to do, and where I am about to go.

What are your goals when you realize what your gut has been screaming at you?