Cutting ties

Ever wonder when is the right time to cut all ties that bind you to someone or something? I know I do. It is something that runs through my mind often. More so now than ever before. I guess it takes falling flat to be nothing, and end up being alone with your thoughts to see that it really is time to finally close the chapter on a nice moment of your life.

I officially know I’m in that place. Knowing that something was really over for some time, doesn’t make the pain of admitting that you really need to let him go any easier. In fact telling yourself to let go of all those happy moments, smiles, laughter, and little things that made it all matter just as hard as the first time heartache hit.

You can thank him because he really opened something inside of you that was closed off for so long. I mean truly closed off to the point of no matter what, no man would ever want to be with me.

I have so much baggage that it’s sad, any man would really walk away from it all, however a strong man would weather the storm with you. A strong Christian man would walk in faith to see it through no matter what the outcome would be.

Admitting it in my heart is what hurts the most, my head knew all along, just took time for my heart to come to terms. I mean there were hints that it was over, but it felt so nice to have someone who wanted to be with me. He would think of the littlest things that would make me so very happy, and it was more than enough for me. Unfortunately I wasn’t enough for him.

He’s not a bad man, never once was he ever mean. It’s nice to say that in the end if the day ever came where we would see each other face to face I know we would be polite, and wish each other the very best in life. It would hurt, my heart will break, just as it is now writing this, but it’s all part of life, right?

Knowing my luck in life, he will move on with someone like him, they will have so much more in common and he will give her everything I couldn’t. He would treat her just as she deserves to be, maybe just maybe one day be more than whatever we were.

I’m not asking for a fairytale, they don’t exist, but what I am asking for is to have someone who wants me, baggage, family and just me – a hot mess. I want to be wanted, desired, and have a positive place in his life. I would really love to have someone sitting next to me at Church, and has the balls to be able to handle my family, good and bad. Trust me there is a mix of the two.

I’m not sure what God has in store for me, but it’s time I truly trust in him to guide me. Although right now my heart is breaking, I have to lean on God to get me through everything and back on track with my life.

What I love the most is when people say, “If it’s meant to be, it will work out.” Honestly that is true for some, but the person on the other end of those thoughts has to make an effort as well. They have to be willing to take you with all your good days and bad days, baggage or no baggage, and want to reach out, want to be part of your crazy messy world.

I want that more than anything, but until then I’m going to have to focus on finding my way again. Finding out what God truly has in store for me. I’m getting really good at being in the shadows of this life and watching others enjoy theirs.

What is your moment? Are you like me, taking forever to truly admit that something you want isn’t going to happen ever again?

All you can do is send a prayer into the night that God will bless him with someone who’s perfect for him and that he will finally find his way to her. No matter what is going on in your life, you send light and love to the next phase of their lives, because you are praying to just make it through to your next journey.