This word and meaning gets tossed around so much. It doesn’t matter what it is or who it is directed to, but it is a word I’ve gotten used to hearing, especially when it comes from my mother and stepfather.
I get this thrown in my face just about daily. It can make a person become suicidal at times. Unfortunately for me when it comes to the two of them, especially my stepdad the feelings are daily.
I have the unfortunate situation of having to move back home, currently looking for a new job. Knowing I have bills to pay and a new place to look for so my cat and I can get back to some sense of normalcy for us, but until then I have to hear how I’ve failed in school life, career life, and even relationship life. To him that is the biggest failure of all. For my mother it’s my career. They remind me daily.
The benefit of all of it, is I am being told stories of my past, with regard to my own family. How horrible my father really was (like I didn’t know it), how the grandparents that were my whole heart didn’t even want me or my siblings around because my mother was seen as trash because her side of the family was poor. I mean this is crap I’ve avoided for so long.
The worst part is when my stepdad tells me that I am a failure with relationships, he tells me, “No wonder men leave you. You have nothing to offer them.” Yes that is the best one, then he throws his kids in my face! His daughter is getting married, and his son is married with a daughter. Good times I tell you.
Despite having differences of opinions about how to treat people, none of that even matters, I am seen less as a person because of all my failures in this life. It gets amplified by a million when I’m around them, and no matter what I try to do, giving myself space and getting away from them as best as I can, not letting their words effect me or even reach my heart and head it never works.
Do you have people like this in your life? This can fully explain why I have a hard time being happy, being positive, and seeing good things in my life. I’m often reminded of all my failures before anything else.
Nothing like trying to get away from toxic people.