I’m sitting here in my parents living room, taking in this moment of piece and quiet to reflect on what has now become my life…..total crap!
I am not sure where I am going wrong with what I do, but I know I am. I own my mistakes and faults. So much has happened to make me want to burn 2017 to the ground and never look back. This year had to be the hardest year I’ve had to go through in a very long time time. From highs and lows with my career, to heartbreak, and loss. I know you will probably roll your eyes and think, “We all go through it, your life is no different than mine.” I’m sure you are correct, but since I am an emotional creature and I feel things to my heart all that has happened feels like I will never rebound.
I wanted to go back to school, but I was too late for 2017 Fall Semester, so I will start in January 2018 Spring semester. I have to find a job, one that will allow me to get out of debt, and maybe find a new place just for me. I got so used to living on my own, that I can’t wait to do it again, without the struggles. God willing.
I know I will have to pay for school myself, with a little help from Pell Grants. I want to be done with everything. My goal is to reach a final solid end of something good. It’s funny how I have more hope for my education than I do for an actual relationship.
Do you ever get that way? I’ve such horrible luck with meeting guys, finding ones that I click with, that understand that I am not looking for anything set in stone I am just looking to have fun with him. I want to experience life no matter what it is. I am not searching for a ring or children, but I am searching for someone who wants to have fun. Now fun could be sitting down watching something on T.V. with a great drink in my hand, or maybe going out to eat, enjoying whatever the City has to offer. Nothing too crazy or extravagant.
I think I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I’ve given up on certain things. Finding my happiness, or what makes me happy is getting harder and harder to find. I look at others lives and see just how they are excelling, no matter what. I know things always look better from the outside, but sometimes depending on the person their lives can actually be pretty amazing.
I’ve never wanted a perfect life, I just wanted a life. Enjoy those who are with me, in it for all the crazy ups and downs, but just love my life for what it is. I still have hope in so many things, people not so much, but just an over all life. I don’t have many friends, they all have their own lives. I don’t contribute much to them so I tend to stay away. Sometimes it is for the best.
The worst part about my life being at the bottom of what it is right now, it can only get worse from here. Every now and then I get lucky, and God will bless me with a little bit of happiness, it doesn’t last long, yet I still hold tight to him. I know I’m paying for things I’ve done, it never ends. I’m always paying for not only my sins, but the sins of others. Sometimes I just wonder why does it fall on my shoulders? Can’t that mess actually go after who it was really intended for?
I often wonder, if this life is really worth it? Taking into account of my entire existence, there is always some horrible black cloud hanging over me, guess that explains why I can’t ever see any positive light in my life. I’m always paying for something cosmically. I know it sounds like I am complaining, but to be honest this is exactly where my life is. I think I am making the right decisions and making the right moves, steps whatever you want to call it to give myself a chance, a good fighting chance to give myself a life, but a million bricks always fall right on me to make me stop dead in my tracks, and remind me that I’m never going to get anywhere, that I am just stuck with what I’ve been given.
I fight daily to never really believe any of it, but to be honest with so much going on in my life I’m just not sure where I fit in anymore, where I go from here, how do I get back on track of feeling like I am a part of something. I want my heart to stop hurting.
How do you deal? Do you dust yourself off and start all over again? Do you feel like you keep making all the wrong decisions or maybe make the right ones, but nothing comes out right? I am looking for advice.