Do you ever feel like a total failure when you have to start your life over again? Is it a never ending circle of mess. No matter what you do it's never enough. Your not asking to be a millionaire, you are just wanting to survive in this messed up world.
That's me, that seems to be the never ending story of my life. I think for a moment that I'm happy, life is great, God has blessed me with a new chance of happiness. Never seeing that at any moment it could all be gone. If I do see it, it's like I'm waiting for it to happen, yet when it does and it ends just as I somewhat expected, it still hurts.
Starting over seems to be my middle name, or my identity in this life. I've lost focus of me, what made me happy, what fuels my passion for life. It's not anyone's fault, it's my own. I allowed myself to be distracted by things that I failed myself. I failed to see the problems and more. I know the struggles of this life. They are all to clear for me, but I've lost who I am completely. The plus is I've never lost focus on God.
To be honest I am not sure what makes me happy. Apart from my writing, working with my local community, being with my Church and Church family, friends and those who I hold in my heart. Nothing else seems to matter much.
I should really listen to the voice telling me, "Stop, just stop." or "Why do you keep beating yourself up over this or that?" I'm normally stronger than this. It takes a lot to really rattle me, but lately it seems to be just the tiniest of things, situations, words, meaning, and even personalities. They just beat me down so hard that it repeats itself over and over again.
I pray daily for resolution of my life. I'm trying to cling onto the happy moments that I've experienced, even those every now and then tend to give me some heartache and sorrow.
I'm hopeful, I have faith that God will see me through all of this and give me something better than I could ever imagine. Right now with things falling apart it's just not that simple.