Do you ever grow out of that phase of where you want to fit in with people?
I've always wanted to be apart of people's lives, not to be a pest or anything, but to just feel accepted.
I look around and I see that I don't truly fit anywhere. I mean yes, I have friends, great friends, but to be honest since I'm not in a relationship, I don't fit into that crowd. I'm in my mid to late thirties, not married, I don't fit in that group either. Since I do not have children, I don't fit at all. Why does it seem like the barstool is available for just one every single time.
I go to Church, pray, and all of that as I should, but there is that one group of women who are younger than me, all are tall, skinny, perfect smile, perfect makeup, perfect hair. All of them are married, engaged, or has a boyfriend. I always look at them trying to understand the looks they give me. I'm not rude to them, I always say, "Hello" to all of them. I just realized the looks I get from them. It's the ones I occasionally get from people, "Oh your not married? Don't worry God has a plan for you.", "You don't have any kids?", my favorite one is, "Well something must be wrong if you don't even have a boyfriend." Stabbed right in the heart, back, head, neck you name it. I'm just bleeding out for just myself to see and no one else. I'm not sure they even see the pain in my eyes when they make those comments.
Now, I tend to get back at them when they ask me why I'm single, "Well I'm over qualified for the position.", or "David Gandy is in England, and last time I checked he's with someone and I'm not interested in breaking up a happy home.", even, "Well I occasionally have great sex, is that okay with you?" The faces they give me are of quick disgust and then laughter. I think for a moment that I've gotten away with it, but every now and then one will pipe up and say, "Well I'm sure there is someone out there for that sense of humor.", or "Jennifer, men don't like funny women." I just look at them, "Well maybe that's my problem. I never know when to be serious. My life is a joke, so why can't I make everything else funny."
The part that gets me with each one of those girls is the kids part. They either have them or they don't. They just tell me they have their husband/fiancé or boyfriend with them to help out. I smile and say, "Well I've got a cat, and a booty call if I ever need him." The guys find it funny, they laugh, but the women don't. I tell them, "I'm just trying to survive and if God does decide to bless me with a good man, then I'll go from there." It doesn't shut them down, because it just keeps going, and going, and going. I get to a point when I have to look at my watch and walk away.
Why does it matter if we "fit in" with people? I mean we are individuals who live a life that isn't for everyone, but that doesn't mean your not trying to have fun. I used to think marriage was for me, I'm starting to realize that it isn't. Then maybe a good relationship that doesn't have any major expectations, but to just exist, simple, relaxed, go with the flow kind of thing. That's all I've ever wanted. Yet, I'm reminded that I can't even do that.
Good times I tell you in my little corner of the world. Do we ever feel like we grow up a little bit to get out of that idea of wanting to "fit in" with others? What makes it different from High School?
Look, all I know is I was a dork in school, and I'm a dork as an adult, but here's the great thing. At least I know it and totally own it, just wish I could be as confident in the rest of my life as I am about this one thing.