Envy

I hate to admit that I have a tendency to be envious of certain people in my life. I don’t understand why some people are lucky in certain aspects of life when your sitting at home alone struggling. I’ve never understood how some people can end a relationship and start over with someone new instantly.

How do they do it? How do they meet new people? How do they start over? How do they know the new person is really right for them? What makes the person “special” or even worth the effort?

I struggle with the idea of starting over, but I know I need to. I walk around sometimes wondering if it is possible to really start over. I always get so nervous with the idea of talking to a new guy, being with him, and even the idea of being intimate with him. I want to really bad, but I struggle so much.

I get envious when I’m with my sisters. They are so beautiful, and I know they love me. They constantly tell me that I’m beautiful too, but I feel like the “fat” sister. It’s not their fault, its my own insecurities. They are always so supportive from the littlest things to the bigger things. I love my sisters so much, but to me, I try to let go of that little bit of jealousy that hangs over me, but it is so hard. Men naturally flock to them because they are free spirited, skinny, unbelievably kind, and funny, plus beyond gorgeous. I am the total opposite. I have rules, I try to be funny, I know I am a kind person, but I don’t know how to put myself out there like them. I don’t have their confidence. I lack it so much. It really isn’t their fault, it is my fault.

My struggle is how do you start over? How do you get comfortable with someone new? One is married, but she is still so attractive that men just naturally flock to her because it’s just how she is. The other one is single, but after ending a horrible relationship, she was able to bounce back with a new one. This one is amazing, they are amazing together. He loves her deeply, just as much as she is in love with him. They are blending their families together (each one has kids), it’s all happening with God’s blessing. He is so natural with our family. I am actually looking for her to get married to this guy. My sister will be so happy, lucky, and beyond blessed.

I’ve always wanted what they have (minus the kids) the ability to attract men. To meet someone new and know that he is the right guy for me. That he will fit into my crazy family, crazy life, the ups and downs. The fun times and really just be there when I’m struggling with things.

How do people do it? I just want to be happy. I wanted to be desired, and wanted. Experience the little things with someone. Wonder when my time will come again.

Do you struggle with this? Are you lucky being able to start over after a relationship ends? Let me know I would really appreciate some advice.