Real Life · Relationships

Follow me on this…..

I am a deep thinker, I mean a serious deep thinker. I hope you’ve figured that out by now. My brain often dwells on certain things, but then it obsesses about ridiculous crap that is irrelevant. We all do it, but at least I own it.

Do you own who you are as a person? Are you easy going, funny, tries to find humor in as much of life as you possibly can? or are you the kind of person who just doesn’t care about anyone or anything? Are you dismissive of wanting to be happy because you think you don’t deserve it.

For me life comes in waves, just like relationships it has its ups and downs. I’m happy one moment, and the next I want to punch someone in the balls (really no one person in particular, please understand that). Violent aggression I know, but the difference is I don’t act on it. Please allow me that disclaimer. I may suffer from depression, and have somewhat low self-esteem, but never once have I ever, or will I ever inflict pain on someone.

I’ve realized as I’m going through my therapy that I want to be happy. Not medicated happy, but just really happy. I’m tired of being alone. I want to experience life with someone, just not 24/7, 365 days I enjoy my space, my little world alone every now and then. What I hope to find is someone to spend those quiet moments, those funny moments, and the chance to just relax together. You find that in those little moments, those are the things that matter most.

Going back onto Match.com, it hasn’t been the easiest thing ever because it really does signify that something is really over and dead. We will never look at each other the same, we can’t get back what we were, and we can never start over. A part of me finds that pretty depressing in its own right, but when you think of how much it hurts to stay, walking away was the best choice. Plus not to mention it gives you a sense of full on rejection based on how you look. I mean meeting someone is hard enough when your around people daily, but online tends to be a major kick in the balls, because it is based on how you look, not how you really are as a person. Alone in this world – table for one, please.

I go through my profile, make sure it is current and up to date. I’ve added a few pictures and have posted my page to my blog. Now, I have no clue if they check it out, but I hope they do. It would be nice to meet a good guy who is really wanting to get to know me. He will see that, despite being a hot mess in my own mind that I am actually a nice person. I can be very loving, loyal and a total goofball. Man I feel like I just described a dog looking for a new home (face smack! LOL!!) I guess you can say I am looking for someone to give me a shot (laughing!). Aye, the puns keep rolling tonight.

The one thing I never fully understood until I was in that situation of why do we take our ex’s back? I mean depending on the type of relationship the two of you had, and how it ended, why is there a need to take that person back knowing they will do the exact same thing to you, but just meaner or be completely dismissive of you entirely. What I mean is, depending on how your relationship started, formed, whatever it tends to dictate how your relationship will be. Then again it does depend on the person you are with. If he’s chill, laid back kind of dude then well your relationship will be the same. If he’s a total spaz who can’t keep it in his pants, well he’s going to be out there poking everything he possibly can with no regard to whatever kind of “relationship” you are wanting with him.

That’s the funny thing about life. Those relationships that are so relaxed, so calm, just want to be happy can’t seem to make it work, but those who’s relationship starts off totally volatile from the start, yet those relationships get chance, after chance, after chance. Are you getting my point? What makes those any different or better than just a relaxed, calm one?

I think I’m looking for the “needle in a haystack” kind of guy when he truly doesn’t exist. I hate to think that I’ve had my happiness, and this is pretty much all my life can expect. Just me and an overweight cat……. Lord, I truly hope not.

Oh well, all I can say is we each have a life to live, it’s up to us how we live it. Remember, be kind no matter what. Stay busy, and always learn something new about someone.

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