Do you ever look at your life and wonder, “What the F?!” or do you say, “I have the best life!” Think about which category you fall under because to be honest I fall under the category of…well there isn’t one to define my level of existence.
My life has moments where I am so happy and just loving every moment of it and don’t care how big my smile is or the fact that I totally tripped over my own foot and I’m laughing harder than I should to, What the F just happened? I’m dealing with more of those “what the F” moments right now than I wanted to. I guess there comes my “seven year” life itch moment.
I use that description because it seems like every seven years my life hits the fan of s*&^ that doesn’t seem to stop flowing my way, and it isn’t anything I expect, but in reality it should. If I am making any sense, Thank you! If not please bear with me I will get there.
Eight years ago a relationship ended with me being left at the alter. Well really I was getting dressed for a small backyard wedding. Nothing fancy, but relaxed. My ex didn’t have the guts to call me, his mother did. She told me that he wasn’t showing up, to be honest I occasionally have nightmares about that day. Emotionally and physically I’ve moved on, but when a bride get’s left at the alter is kind of leaves a nasty taste with regards to marriage. Now four years prior to him life was good. I had a job, my own place, my own car and more. When he came into my life it was seven years after my last breakdown. I believe I was still dealing with the after effects of my grandmother’s passing, add my grandfather’s illness. It really didn’t help. I met my ex by accident, so I decided to give him a chance. Fast forward to ups and downs, moving left and right, life in and out of boxes. He wasn’t able to keep a job, well really he didn’t want to keep a job, he wanted me working all the time. It took me a while to finally see that I was messing myself up by hanging onto this guy. So when he didn’t arrive for our wedding I was upset, sad, hurt, and all of that, but really it was a major blessing. A week later we met up and talked about it. A part of me still cared, while the other half of me wanted to slash his tires and move on. I moved one, thankfully, no I did not slash his tires I’m not that type of evil or vindictive.
Now, I’m 36 years old I thought I’d have my life put together somewhat. My finances have always been an issue for me. I don’t make enough to survive no matter where I cut corners or cut things out of my life. Yet, I had a good job that was guaranteed money. I was making new friends left and right, things were great, but I was lonely. Not in that I’m so desperate that if any man gives me any kind of attention I am going to just accept him right away kind of loneliness, but my life was feeling like it was finally mine. I had my job, my car, my apartment, things were going good. It wasn’t easy, but I managed by the grace of God. I had an amazing support system, my Church family and my friends. I couldn’t be happier, yet I knew I was missing that one thing. Having someone special in it.
I would go to local shops sit there with my laptop or a book and start looking at all the laughing and lovable couples coming in and out of these places. Holding hands, giving each other a kiss and just being happy. I would see a few couples that just looked beyond miserable, and I wondered why. How can you be so miserable and so unhappy with life, your life when you have someone who loves you in it? Then I would stop and remind myself that it could be something more, something I am not privileged to. My grandmother used to always tell me, “Someone has a story, it is their Cross they have to bear daily. They know and God knows exactly what that is.” I would slap down my judgmental thought of them and just say a little prayer for that person and that couple. “Please God fix whatever is broken with that person and their relationship.” then I would go back to my writing or my book.
The longer I sat there I started to wonder when will it be my turn. Naturally meeting someone isn’t always my strong suit. I am totally a nut, loud, always talking to everyone, not caring what other’s think of me because to be honest I’m just trying to live this life as best as I can. Other’s don’t get it, but I’m not ashamed of who I am as a person. My life is a mess, it’s good at times and to be honest it’s total crap at other times. Depending on how you look at my life it can look pretty awesome. Good job, great friends, nice apartment, good car, but missing that one element. Then when it pops it’s little head, that ugly green monster of jealousy I hear, “Why are you single? You’re such a beautiful woman?” I just smile and give my ever so famous response, “I’m not sure, haven’t met the right guy yet.” It’s in that moment that I often go back to those couples I’ve watched and envied. How do they have it all figured out and I don’t? Am I really that picky? Am I really that hard of a person to like or even care for? What is it about me that makes a man want to run away? I’m not looking for a permanent commitment, but just someone to be with me.
I don’t give myself the best type of confidence, that part I will be very honest about. I don’t see myself as beautiful, but I know I’m smart. I make mistakes, I own them, but I know I have a good heart. I dislike judging people because I know it would hurt me or anger me if they are judging me. I know I am a basket case for all intense and purposes. I struggle with mental issues (depression), and I’m not ashamed of it at all. It hurts my heart when I see people who seem to have something good in their lives that seem completely put together, when I’m battling every single day to just have a normal one, not so many worries or stress, plus to have someone notice me, who wants to be with me just because.
It isn’t easy being out there single. I don’t care how old you are, “playing the field” gets really old. You eventually get to a point in your life that you want to be with someone. Now, be sure to set the standards and the pace because the last thing you want is complications to set in where there is no need for any. Being a “playboy” after a certain age is just ridiculous, I mean your not George Clooney (he’s happily married now with two babies), or some twenty something guy who finally got away from his keeper. What I am trying to say is, when does being real finally come into play? When does it come a point in your life when you just want someone to talk to? Laugh with? Hold hands, watch a movie, eat dinner at an actual table and not your bed (guilty of that last one, LOL!!).
Men think that they can play that “playboy” role for a very long time. Hate to tell you guys there does come a stopping where it does look like you are trying way too hard. Just admit you’ve hit your midlife crisis, and just stick with what you are comfortable with. Ladies, we know when our moment is to stop we just hate to admit it. At least we know we can put ourselves first and not worry about the other sex, especially when your starting your life over for whatever reason. We get up and move on, if a man happens to come into our lives, great if not then okay.
Now, I say that when those women have been married, or widowed and their kids are grown and gone. The rest of us have to deal with what is left, and to be honest there really is zero hope of just being with someone who can just deal. Not all of us are wanting to be married within the first six months of a relationship, plus moving in together….uh, don’t think so. I like having you around, but at the same time I love my own space. Please do not start messing with my spice rack I may have to knock you down a few pegs.
Life is really is a game, be it Chess or the board game. How do you make sense of your life? I’m still figuring mine out, and waiting patiently when things calm the F down, and where I can breathe!