Funny how things happen when your involved with someone. You want them to acknowledge you as someone they are not just attracted to, but a priority in some way. Like focus on me, not some play thing you can use as some damn yo-yo. It makes it harder to let them go so you can move on. I mean we all want to belong to someone, made to feel like we are wanted for more than just great sex. I have my moments of when I’ve done that, but it just depends on how the other person reciprocates it. However, there is a stopping point, and I think I might be at mine.
It’s not selfish, but there comes a moment when your not really important to that person. That your just an idiot who’s not reading the signs they are giving off because your the one who cares about them (please note I didn’t say anything about Love) and they are important to you because you enjoy being with them.
I think I am in this situation right now. I know deep in my heart that I need to just let go and move on. The problem is having the balls to do it. He’s a bigger weakness for me than any guy in my past. The problem is he knows it, trust me this man is not stupid, he can read me like a damn book! Sucks I know. He knows that I would open my door to him, just like I’d let him kiss me, or touch me and I’m done for. He smirks at me, and my heart starts to race, and I can’t focus on what I need to. It really pisses me off sometimes.
I had hoped that we would go back to what we were, but it’s not going like I had hoped. I mean it wasn’t going to be automatic, instantly picking up where we left off, but just something gradually. I’m beating myself up here and it sucks!
I want something more now (I’m still not ready for marriage). I was so happy with just being with someone who wanted me no matter how crazy, goofy, off the walls, whatever you want to call me type of personality. I enjoyed the time, the connection, and overall fun!
I don’t open myself up to just anyone. You have to be a special type of person for me to take you into my confidence. Sometimes I can tell that I will be great friends with someone the first time I meet them. It’s just something I’ve been able to do. I also know how to read those who are just shady people, and more. I mean if your a player I can just tell, it’s your personality and the way you present yourself. I like you, but I don’t really trust you.
My problem now is just letting it all go. I’m not good at ignoring people, especially him. I am not sure how to handle it because deep down in my heart I daydream often, wishing that he would take the initiative to basically come and get me type of mood, without me telling him. Maybe also just know that I need him emotionally because I’m going through some serious crap right now.
This is a life lesson for me. It seems like that is all my life is at the moment, lessons that slap me upside my head and heart leaving me temporarily numb and ignorant of myself. Now I just need the balls to do it.