Sitting here, it’s later than I really like, but unfortunately I am have difficulty sleeping. I know people love it when I talk about relationships, but after a weeks worth of ups and downs, mostly downs I’ve come to the realization that I forget about myself.
I focus so much on the outside world, that I fail to try to work on me. It really is a daily battle. I’ve suffered from clinical depression for years. For a while I was medicated, but I didn’t like how they made me feel, even while taking them daily as prescribed. I was able to see a therapist, but had to stop for insurance purposes. Now, many years later I am back at it, minus the medication.
Life has happy moments, but when you are depressed things are seen and felt totally differently. You always feel alone; when in reality you’re not. You feel totally unloved when you have a group of people around you all the time no matter where you are showing you how much they just love you. You feel like you’re bothering someone; you feel like a total burden to them because they have their own lives, and who are you to them?
If you don’t understand the truths about depression, please read on it. It isn’t something that is made up. I didn’t want to face the facts of what was really wrong with me, because I thought I had overcome it, I mean I knew it was there, but I hadn’t hit that level of disgustingly low in a very long time. Unfortunately after this past few weeks, my mental state dipped so low that I had to hide a lot of things, but in reality I was hurting myself. Thank God, my Church Family, and some amazing friends who have come to my rescue. It was in their words, their expression of truth and understanding that helped pull me out of the deepest darkest hole I had been in a very long time. I’m not completely out of the woods, I doubt I will ever be 100% free of that dark shadow, but at least I got a small taste of sunlight today. I never ever take anything for granted. Kindness is something that should be appreciated, and cherished. It has more meaning to me in my heart than people will ever really realize.
Going through my struggles of depression I have my good days, and I have my bad days, then I have those days where I’m just not wanting to make it. I’m so tired that my body aches, it just hurts and no matter how much Ibuprofen or Migraine pills I take, cold or scorching hot showers it never is enough. At times I want to stay in bed and let the world totally pass me by because honestly who’s going to care? Not the people I actually want to give two craps about me, but I’m sure someone will. It’s that mental struggle that I personally face on a daily basis.
It’s going to take me some time to start trusting that positive light to come into my life. It has to happen daily for me. I read my bible, I study it, I listen to past podcasts that my Pastor puts on iTunes. I’m part of my Women’s Ministry, and do the best I can to devote myself, but even then that dark shadow of depression lingers into my Christian faith and walk, it makes me stumble and question everything I know and trust in my heart.
The goal I have in life is a simple one. I want to be loved. Not just by my family, friends, or a companion, but really truly loved. I know deep in my heart that God loves me, but since I was without it for so much of my life I crave it more now at my age than I have ever before. I’m not saying that it will fix what’s broken inside of me, that is a cross I have to bear daily and walk with it, just as God walked with one. That’s the one thing I’ve realized since I’ve re-acknowledged my depression (not that it ever really went away, I just had a better handle on it before), LOVE is what I crave.
It sounds so simple and stupid, I’m sure, but do me a favor show someone, no matter who they are, show them Kindness, Love, Acceptance, and always be empathetic. It isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. Depression isn’t weakness either, it’s just part of who we are. I’m not sure exactly when it entered into my life, but I know being diagnosed in High School was a wake up call for me. It stayed locked for a long time. Now, it’s taking over my life, choking so much out of me, yet I’m still standing.
I am doing the best I can to be positive, but when your mind needs rest, it doesn’t happen. When your body aches, soaking in a hot bath does nothing, sleeping at strange hours of the day doesn’t really mean I’m sleepy, it just means that my body is breaking down just like my mind. Everyday will be a challenge for the rest of my life no matter what. It will stay with me until the day I leave this world and move onto the next one where I will be healed, no more pain, no more sorrow, just a beautiful life spending time with those I’ve loved and missed.
Please don’t take depression lightly. Take it for being someone’s truth, because it really is. Mental health comes in many forms. It isn’t just one month of acknowledgement, but 365 days a year (including leap years). If you know someone who suffers from Depression please don’t dismiss them, help them. Even if it is just listening, being there, allowing them to cry in front of you. Small things help. Know that they see themselves as broken, just hold tight onto them. Don’t judge. Just love them inside and out.
Thoughts and Views from Kansas 🌻 