This topic is going to be very different than anything I’ve ever talked about. This time it’s not about any kind of relationship with someone else, but a relationship with yourself.
I fail in this area so much. I know I am failing now. I don’t set myself up as a priority in anyone’s life because all I have ever known is disappointment. One gets used to it, think of it as a form of Stockholm Syndrome for the brain. You grow numb to things, you try to enjoy life’s moments and you do, but there are things that happen and your looking for help, it just isn’t there. Yes, I see a therapist. At times I get those horribly tiny voices in my head that say horrible things to me. No, they are not good ones, but I do stop myself and start praying. Doesn’t mean that they aren’t there, doesn’t mean that they go away in seconds. Trust me they pop up when I am at my lowest. Right now I am at my lowest.
Before you start thinking anything, no I am not a drug addict. I may drink here and there, but not daily. I do have weakness’ that are not my favorite thing to show about myself. I try to be strong all the time. I’m not allowed to show that I have any cracks in my “armor” even though they are big ones. The small to medium size cracks I own, but the large one’s that can sink a car I try to ignore them even though they are there. Never ending. It’s like a dark shadow that hangs over me, giving me just enough light to take in moments of happiness. It’s all I’ve ever been allowed. I guess that’s why I never rely on people to do anything for me.
I have been asking for help for certain things. Naturally I ask my family, but because it depends on the family member they don’t help at all. I always get a tiny bit of help from certain people only, other than that no one else helps. I’m facing a crisis right now that I never expected or anticipated and to be honest it’s causing me to not sleep well and be stressed out. I’ve been getting migraines daily because of the stress level. I’m running out of basic needs with no way of fulfilling them. They say you should ask your family. Unfortunately I don’t have that luxury, 95% of them have nothing to do with me. If it looks like they do, it’s all a facade. It looks great in pictures, never really genuine.
My level of existence is really being Alone. I shouldn’t be alone half the time, because of my current state of mind and current situation, but it’s the way the cards have been dealt for me. I’ve become accustomed to my environment. People don’t want to talk about mental health issues, I don’t like discussing mine a lot with people that have no clue that I have those little voices screaming at me every now and then. Telling me things that no person should ever have to hear, but they are there. No real way of shutting them off or telling them that what they are saying is nothing but lies. I face my reality that is my existence. It’s just me, it has been that way for the longest time.
I’ve always wanted someone to fight for me, protect me, be supportive. In truth just be present. I’ve lacked that type of connection with people 90% of my life. It happens when you grow up without a father for most of your life, and add an emotionless mother in the mix tends to give one a lot of emotional and mental issues. Your not really loved or valued. You’re passed over because your parents love your siblings more, well really one parent. Those who are supposed to love you, guide you, support you, encourage you through out your life have the tendency to make life simpler for some, but when you have a life like mine where your dismissed because your an “extra” child, or you don’t get the “I love you”, “I’m proud of you” type of emotion it causes problems.
Some will understand what I am saying, other’s won’t. That is okay, but I’m being very honest with this post. The strangest part in all of this, is I can be totally honest through my words, but when I am face to face with someone at certain points of my day or my life the words get stuck. They don’t come out. I am honest with certain people that I know I can truly trust, but other than that I shut down. I pretend that everything is okay, that my stress is just because of this thing over here, not because I’m facing a major mountain that if I can just get help on I know I will be okay, I’ll know that I can make it and survive, that I can start putting my life back together.
I’m just a lost cause looking for light at the end of my tunnel. Looking for a hand-up not a hand-out.