No White Flag thrown

I’ve come to realize that some men really love it when a woman challenges them, but Hate it when they see that it is actually a real challenge. Why does it take a level of pure agitation, frustration, and more to even provoke that animal? Why do men think it is okay to think they are making the game a certain way when in reality they are truly missing the point or the mark.

I say this because I know at times I say things, well really write things out and it tends to get under someone’s skin, it tends to provoke them in a way that you kind of hope. Now, I often imagine you reading this, it getting under your skin, and you get frustrated with me, not because of the fact that I just put a lot of stuff out there, no, but the fact that I may have possibly hit a nail on the head that takes you down to the fact that I truly know you. I can read you. Nothing you could say or do would ever surprise me anymore. The fact that you’ve pulled away all on your own, thinking that by throwing a little bit of yourself here and there would throw me off of whatever you are trying to do. The funny thing is I’m not stupid, I see it, and to be honest I can’t hate you or be mad at you. I’ve allowed myself to get sucked in when in reality I wanted answers for everything.

My ultimate fantasy would be for you to come to me, you making me want you. Not me pining for you, not me wishing you would pick up the phone and text me, not me wondering what your doing and if you are even missing me because to be honest it shows that you aren’t. What I want is a man to be a man, one who will come to me, be hard and gentle all at the same time. One who would call or text me something goofy, but be real about it. I want him to know that he doesn’t need an invitation to my place, that I’ll always have the front door open to him day or night. Why do people have to make things so difficult.

I’ve never seen myself as someone who is totally attractive, I know that is a very negative way of presenting myself, but to be honest I just see myself for who I am. I don’t look anything like my biological sister, her skin is pale, she has reddish-brown hair, and is on the much heavier side. My step-sisters are gorgeous and I love how they tell me that I’m beautiful no matter what. They are both a little over 5’3″ long black hair, beautiful smiles, skinny and just what men look for. I on the other hand am 5’1″, I have curves, but I also have a belly, a big booty, large boobs, and just a bit wider in certain areas. My hair is shoulder length, dark brown, and I hate my smile, but it’s there. Yes I know I suffer from a total lack of respect for myself, but the funny part is I totally accept all of it good and bad. From the fact that my thighs touch to the surgical scars on my belly, to the fact that my boobs are bigger than my sisters, down to the fact that I keep my life totally simple and I love it.

Relationships do not need to be complicated, what ever happened to making things easy? I mean it tends to be a pattern for some reason. I refuse to throw up the white flag on possibilities. I’d love it if a man came into my life willingly, the desire to be with me, get to know me, laugh with me and occasion laugh at me. Doesn’t find me socially awkward in anyway, but manages to still make me feel like I am the most beautiful thing to him. He is the one who gets to enjoy peeling things back about me layer by layer.

I try my hardest to not complicate things with a man. I’ve had to learn the hard way through some tough relationships that some are just wired differently than the ones who actually give a crap. I hope one day to have a man who will actually see me for me, and want to be with me. Take me as I am, just as I would take him as he is. I’m not asking for some grand out of this world romance, but what I am asking for is days or nights shared together, casual walks, breakfast together, enjoying each other’s company out with just us or with other people! A movie at a drive in loving the fact that I’ve just gotten away with packing a ton of food and hiding it so we won’t get charged for it, sitting in the park at night watching the stars. Me laying next to you in a quiet park under some shade, reading a chapter of a book I’ve been reading because I want to hear your voice and imagine what the story is telling me. Can’t that be magical enough?

If a man wonders why you’ve pulled away from them, don’t tell them, just keep it simple and casual. If they want you, he will get off his lazy ass and come to you. I’m so sick of being the type of woman who always goes to a man. For once I would love it if a man chased me! He did it once before, but now things have changed. He may think I’m joking, but I’m not.