Is it worth it?

I am asking myself this question tonight. Is what you are trying to do when it comes to a relationship with someone totally worth it?

You meet someone, you find that you are both attracted to one another, and your relationship has this special little bond that only the two of you can understand. No real need to defend it because honestly no one is really worried about it. Yet, you get to a point when you are either starting over with someone new, or trying again with the one who hurt you, you start to wonder is this even worth my time?

Naturally you will tell yourself, “YES!” because you are so excited to have someone in your life, but if you feel like, you are the one putting in the most effort, does the “relationship” or whatever you two are starting to be seem one sided? I want you to seriously think about that. It goes through my mind often. Consider it a lifetime of doubts that make me always second guess just about everything I do when it comes to relationships. I am seriously my own worst critique.

Do you ever wonder if you need to put a time limit on spending time with them? Like how much is too much, how much is too little. When you want to talk to them, do you call or text? In today’s technological society we text, there is no such thing as an actual phone conversation. To be honest I actually miss that every now and then. Do you feel like you are supposed to “set the pace” between the two of you? Taking some things slow is great, but when your not exactly sure what kind of relationship you have, then that is when questions start to come up.

When you want to just have a normal conversation with them, no games, no hidden agenda involved, do they feel like you are smothering them? I mean the point of a relationship is to get to know someone, right? At least that’s what I’ve always thought. Do you base everything on a booty-call view? Great for however long it takes, and gone the next morning or heck even that night.

Since when did relationships get so hard? Has it always been that way and I am just now noticing it? I mean I have only had two SERIOUS relationships in my lifetime, both ending in total disaster. Engaged to them (different times of my life) and they both blew up in my face. I’ve had little things here and there, but they were of my own doing. The one’s that surprise me is the unexpected relationships. Those can have a lot of meaning, yet still burn you all at the same time. I’ve only had a couple of those relationships. They are great, make you think and totally elevate your mind, expectation and requirements when it comes to another relationship.

Now, if you are giving someone another chance my suggestion is to not hold the past against them. Things were done for a reason, maybe your still trying to figure out those specific reason, but then you stop yourself, regroup and keep moving forward even if that person is in your life not like before, it doesn’t mean that you can let your guard down just because.

If you can’t tell I am a deep thinker, bad habit I know, but it works for me especially with my writing. The level of imagination is amazing and I totally love it, but with my deep thinking I tend to analyse a lot of stuff in my life. I try to see things through other people’s views. I mean we can’t walk around this world with blinders on, you never know what you will miss. My deep thinking usually has my mind moving in a million different directions, but every once in a while it will stop and focus on one thing that is bothering me, guess that is why for this second post today.

Does defining a relationship take away the electricity that we could be? What we were? or does it bring this new “thing” into a different light? These are questions in my mind because I’m not exactly sure how else to put it. When two people who are so right for each other in so many ways, yet there is no clear definition of who they are or what they are. Explanations can be made, but is it even real? Is that “zing” gone from that one thing that made us special and unique?

I’m a take charge kind of chick, I’m totally used to it because when you are the middle child you really have no choice but to pick up the slack of your older and younger siblings, it’s just nature. Not saying they are lazy, incompetent, or just plain stupid, but you have to shoulder more than what you should when you are the middle child, your parents lean on you to get stuff done and deal with the ramifications later, but it got done. That is how my brain still works in my every day life. Get up, get moving and or get out of my way I have a life to live and things to do. Maybe that is why my brain is thinking the way it is right now, it is looking for answers.

How do you put away insecurities? Do you distance yourself again from that person make him or her come to you? When do you stop looking at your phone or wishing you could get a knock on your door from them. Is it time to put away relationship fantasies and think you’ve been given some form of “closure” (you think) because you’ve set things on your own terms. Will the aching of wanting that person to even throw you a crumb go away? The shit part of that crumb is they know they are tossing it out there and you will totally eat it up because your so starved for affection from someone that you’ll take anything. It’s like you are their own little play thing to push, pull, yank and screw whenever they feel like. Yet you can’t be mad at them or even hate them because you put yourself there, you’ve allowed yourself to be sucked back in, and you really only have yourself to blame. Life lessons I tell you.

When does the wheel stop? How do you tell yourself, “Screw this I’m getting the hell off this before it blows up in my face, because knowing my luck it will.” Is that your breaking point to just start walking away again and leave it all behind. What would you do or suggest?