Funny thoughts

Self Issue

I’ve always wondered if someone can self project something on themselves when it isn’t really about them or even an issue for them?  I know I have a habit of thinking that someone thinks I am rude, dismissive, or self-centered where I personally don’t think I reflect that at all. I know I see myself a certain way, but not everyone will agree and to be honest I have to say I no longer care what they think. I believe I am kind, funny, a good conversationalist, logical, supportive of my fellow man/woman, and really just love to talk to anyone and everyone.

You do have to deal with people in certain industries that do not care to know you, already have a pre-judgment of who you are and what you are all about. That really is on them, nothing to do with you. All I can say is keeping being true to who you are and move on. Do your job, live your life and have fun with all of it. The sad part is when people realize just how important you were at that time.

I stay up on what is current in every aspect, music is probably my biggest weakness, I don’t listen to a lot of what is popular. My music is a total mix of 70’s, 80’s, some 90’s, Christian music, and Country with a splash of Selena. If someone was to ask me my favorite music I’d tell them what I just told you. People look at me like something is wrong with me. I just smile and keep moving on.

I tend to have a major chip on my shoulder when it comes to my life. I developed this by basically telling those in a kind way that they no longer have any control over my life. Allow me to explain this one. Could you imagine yourself walking two or three steps behind a male family member? If you have a significant other, could you imagine Not being able to hold their hand, or touch them in anyway because someone was watching you and found it totally inappropriate? How about this one, your clothes were always picked out for you, the length of your hair always had to be past your shoulder blades, no makeup until you were 17 years old, also the foods you ate, your school classes, outside studies and more were all totally decided for you? Do you think you could ever survive that kind of life? Well I have to be honest with you, I did. It still drives me a little bit crazy to this day knowing that I still have a few of those tendencies ingrained in me. I didn’t realize that I was still in the habit of walking two or three steps behind a male one day until my ex grabbed my hand and placed me next to him. Even then I would somewhat fall a little behind him. It was a way to show that he’s the man, he’s in charge of me, and as a woman I am submissive to him and I follow his lead. Well that changed very quickly. Once I realized what he had placed me next to him as a sign of respect, it made me feel like I can let go of all those issues that a man isn’t afraid of a strong woman, but encouraged it. I never once second guessed myself of holding his hand, giving him a kiss in public or letting him touch me. To me it was something I could not get enough of, I savored every single moment. It wasn’t disgusting, it was a form of affection when we were in public and it was the best feeling in the world. Here this man was, totally attracted to me and wanted to touch me when he had chances. I totally let him and was never ashamed of it, sometimes I wish he would have done it more. Addicting I know (Laughing). When your life is decided for you, example: my mother picked out my clothes, made food choices for me all the time, not to mention both my parents decided which sports I was going to play. Learning how to walk, talk, sit, and stand like a lady with or without a book on top of her head was something that was just forced upon me. I think that is why I related so much to all the 18th and 19th Century British Literature, I saw myself in there as living somewhat just like them. I didn’t know life was a different way even though I was born in the early 80’s.

The fun part of my life was that school was all year round until I got to my Sophomore year of High School I no longer had to look forward to a summer school! I was so excited, but that meant I had to get a job. Nothing like it I tell you. My father was not much of a rule person, but more of a life rule living. My mother was the hardcore rule maker, but the one thing they both only agreed on was making sure that I was not a disappointment to the family, or an embarrassment. To me those two things were always the same meaning, but I let them separate those two out for their own meaning. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that my parents put this much weight on my shoulders when in reality I wished they had focused it on my siblings as well. I knew from the start that I was the “extra” child, my mom wanted me to be able to stand out from my other siblings because she knew I was different. My father was the one who emphasized the “extra” life. Believe me I learned that very quickly.

Now that I am older and have lived a crazy messed up life that I would never recommend to anyone, but seeing that my life is my own and I can actually have fun with it. Just like my apartment is my own, no one to live in it but me and my cat. I am finally loving the way my life is. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am finally comfortable in my own skin, my own home, my friends, my life! It really is the best feeling in the world. The whole feeling comfortable in my own skin has taken some getting used to, I mean I am still totally caught off guard when someone tells me I’m pretty, or thinks I’m attractive. Men just focus on my chest, that is something I’m used to and have been since I was 13 years old, the level of being “offended” has significantly decreased as I’ve gotten older. I don’t look at myself as someone who is pretty, it wasn’t the way I was raised. So to hear it, I just smile, say thank you and brush it off. I see myself as either average or below average, I know great self-esteem right? It’s just who I am, but I try to make it better with different ways of who I am. When people get to know me that is when I do the best I can to hide my flaws. If it works great! If it doesn’t well I need to work harder then.

Issues is something we face on a daily basis, how do you deal with yours? I tend to go to the gym, go for a walk, write them out or talk to someone. What are your goals? How do you see yourself and your life? Are you trying to live it as best as you can or as positive as you can? Are you the adult bully that you once had in school or are you a supporter of your fellow man/woman?

Think about who you are, what you are all about and if there are areas to make changes, make them but do it for you, not for anyone else because you are the one who has to look at yourself every single day. That is the best self realization one could ever have.  Don’t ever see yourself through someone else’s eyes, because they don’t know you, they don’t know your life or history. Focus on you, your wants, desires, and more. That way when someone comes into your life you are ready for them, really ready.

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