Sitting here I started to wonder as we get older and more selective of things in our lives, does this journey we are all on get easier or harder? I’ve always wondered because to me we make our own paths, follow whatever is around us to make us feel welcomed, but at the same time do we own who we are? The truest of truths?
I look at it this way. You can’t expect for life to be perfect for you when you are mean and ugly to people. Eventually it all comes back to you. Especially when you take people for granted, now that is something I will never understand. How do you make someone feel less than you. It was something I struggled with when I was being bullied in school. I went to a school in Kansas City, KS. It was a small little district, everyone knew my family, especially my parents. My father was voted Senior Class President, and my mother was head of the Drill team and Volleyball. Two of the most beautiful people from their classes. When you are their child and don’t live up to their lives or social lives in that district you are picked on. You are treated differently. Being part of a “click” at that school wasn’t my thing. I never understood why someone would want to hurt another person. So naturally I got paired up with someone starting in sixth grade who was more of everything, she was pretty, hair was perfect, teeth in all the right places, boys just fell over themselves for her. When we met I tried to be nice, but naturally to her I was that ugly geek with a book in her hands. I loved doing homework. I was trying to not be a “nerd” but to her and her friends I was because I didn’t shop where they did, and didn’t wear all that makeup, and more. It sucked so much dealing with her until my Freshman year of high school. By then I had, had enough I was done and left that school for another place that was better, that actually accepted me for me.
I often think of how I was treated by my bully because I looked different, because I had braces and glasses, and that boys were less than what she would have picked whenever I had a “boyfriend”. Does anyone ever really think that the way they treat someone could have a lasting effect on that individual growing up? I know I often go back into my mind thinking of the horrible things this girl did to me. Thinking I was her “slave” and just making fun of me in every possible way. I try not to think about it now being 36 years old, but where do you think social insecurities come from? I do the best I can do not compare myself to her even now, but when you look at their life and then yours you tend to really just want to never leave your home.
I go through these moments, but lucky for me they are just moments and I start to think about something else. My life is fun, complicated, busy, and just all around me. I don’t have anyone to answer to, my apartment is my own, if it gets messy I’ll clean it up later. I never have to worry about someone knocking on my door unexpectedly because No One ever comes over. I don’t really watch T.V. because there is nothing but crap on there (Except: Once Upon a Time & This is Us). I honestly would rather watch Downton Abby or Sex and the City over and over again than watch a lot of what is on T.V. my world seems simple and not exciting, but to be honest it is me, it’s very real.
It’s taken me a very long time to accept where I am in my life. When I think of all the times I’ve beaten myself up I often remind myself that my bully in school would do the same thing to me, that I am doing to myself. I need to stop. It takes me a while, but eventually I do.
I say all of this because I never know who it will help, or if you were a bully in school how you might have effected that person that you decided to pick on. I knew I was that girl, the good looking guy in school would pass by, or ask if I could help him with his homework. Nothing more, because he already had the prettiest girl next to him. Something to think about with your own kids (if you have any, no judgment here) but sit down and think of who you are, how you are, and the way you treat or talk to people. It all comes to bite you back in the end. The best way to make those changes is do it now, don’t be a jerk to every single person you meet. Try to find what makes them unique, different, maybe even special. That person may end up becoming your friend.
Do you ever go back and wish you could do some things all over again? I know I do, at times I wish there were moments I could redo and give that girl a piece of my mind, or really just a taste of her own medicine, but then again I wouldn’t be any better than she was. The hardest part I think we all face every now and then is the would’ve, could’ve & should’ve-s in our lives. Living true to who we are, not what other’s expect us to be is the best thing ever, try it!
Have you come to terms with who you are in life? Do you like the idea of being alone forever? Do you want the idyllic life of a spouse, children, your own home and all of that or do you want to live simple? Now that word maybe defined as something different than how I use it, but that is okay. We are all not the same people, we aren’t meant to be. When you take a moment to accept that you are who you are, then you have every single chance to make things better.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Personally for me I hope to have my Master’s Degree, a book published, my blog still going maybe helping people, a great job, my own house and a better running car that doesn’t eat so much gas, but details. Figure out what you want, start living it for you. If you can do that, if you have a family start figuring who you are again and set boundaries for your spouse and kids. You can’t forget about you. I look at it this way, the mom is usually the central part of the home. If something is falling apart you get it fixed, however if mom is falling apart she sucks it up and keeps moving. No, stop that! Stop right now! You are no good to your family if you are falling apart. Find a way to put responsibilities on someone else for a moment. Now if you can’t do that then please find a baby sitter or something. It is possible to be yourself and be a person, wife/husband, mother & father.
Looking back on what you have read what were the key things in my story that were missing? Let me see if you caught any of it. I leave all of that stuff up to God. I’m in no hurry to move that part of my life along. I’m good where I am at, just me. I have my moments where I am lonely, and wish I had someone, then there are times when I am just fine all alone. Think of who you are and figure it out. The last thing you want to do when getting into a relationship is being fake, because when the truth comes out you will be so disappointed and so will your partner. That is the worst time to “find yourself”